Gifts of the Magi

As my spiritual belief system has shifted I have grappled with what this now means as I observe holidays with my family. Having always related to the symbolic meeting more than literal interpretation I find that this is usually easier than I had thought it would be as I can strongly connect to the symbolism. In my family, we always approached Santa as a symbol of the season. He never visited our house, although Bennett understood that this was a fun thing that other families did. I have reflected on how the season is celebrated for several reasons this year; losses; the "santa truth" revealed to a niece; and finally, so many people in need that almost any version of Christmas gifting seems inappropriate. But it was a special friend, honoring the fear in her daughter, that made me truly think about how the season should be celebrated. What a wise woman to know if a toddler is uncomfortable sitting on the lap of a man you honor that sense of self. So this blog is dedicated to Becky.. One of those mommies that humbles me daily on her Mighty journey. I have never approached blogging the journal in this fashion before, but I`m going to include almost the entire entry and let the journal speak for itself. "....real role of gifts in the Christmas story. Those gifts were wrapped in miracles...the first gift was of Sirit; unconditional Love. The next gift came from a Jewish teenager, Mary. Her Christmas present was selflessness, the complete surrender of ego and will needed to bring heaven down to earth. The gifts of her fiancé, Joseph, were trust and faith. He trusted that Mary wasn`t pregnant with another man`s child; he believed thtat there really was a Divine Plan to get them through this mess. The Child brought forgiveness. Wholeness. Second changes. The angel`s gifts were tidings of comfort, joy and peace, the reassurance that there was nothing to fear, so rejoice. The shepherd boy`s gift was generosity: his favorite lamb for the baby`s birthday present. The innkeeper`s wife`s gifts were compassion and charity: a warm, dry safe place for the homeless family to stay, her best coverlet to wrap the new mother and little one, a meal for Joseph, the donkey`s fresh hay." Three kings travelled to seek a Prince and found him in a cow stall instead of a palace. "they unwrapped gold, frankincense and myrrh, but their Real gifts were wonder, acceptance and courage....yes, Christmas is all about gifts. nothing but gifts. But such gifts! Gifts tied with heartstrings. Gifts that surprise and delight. Gifts that transform the mundane into the miraculouos. Gifts that nurture the souls of both the giver anad the given. Perfect gifts. Authentic gifts. The gifts of the Spirit....the gifts of the Maji. Unconditional Love. Selflessness. Trust. Faith. Forgiveness. Wholeness. Second Chances. Comfort. Joy. Peace. Reassurance. Rejoicing. Generosity. compassion. Charity. Wonder. Acceptance. Courage. To give such gifts. To truly open our hearts to receive such gifts gratefully. Christmas just won`t be Christmas without any presents." Grateful for: 1. Unexpected family visits. 2. Sunshine instead of gloomy skies today. 3. Children who love books as gifts.

All Shall Be Well

As winter break begins I feel as if I finally have time to reflect in a thoughtful way. It`s a tough season. Somehow the "tidings of comfort and joy" have not yet found me. I`m not just bogged down by my own sense of loss, but by those around me. People special to me are dealing with this holiday season as probably the last they will spend with a loved one. My husband lives this reality everyday in his hospice work. I`m not sure how he does it. In an attempt to find the lesson, or good, in these difficult circumstances (it`s what we Pollyanna types do) I thought about what I would do differently if I knew this was my last holiday with a loved one. It isn`t much of a reach, having lived this with Phoebe and Ronan everyday of their short lives except the day of their birth. Every moment was treasured, gathered into my heart, living more fully in the moment than at any other time. How do I take this lesson to the rest of my life. I will admit that it is tempting to just be so appreciative that I am blessed with a wonderful son that I ignore the little things (like grades, and messy rooms and forgotten chores) and focus on the wonder that is this man in the making. My husband is a kind and considerate man. I need to concentrate on the everyday small things that he does for me instead of the add induced forgetfulness or difficulties. I can choose to focus on the good, the small, the victories, the intentions of the heart. Yes, all of these ideas are things that I should do as a reflection of the abundance of good that fills my life. And I do. But for me the danger comes in dwelling on the "what ifs". If I treat those I love as if it is the end of our time together I live in constant fear that it is the end of our time together. Part of the problem with life is that it often gets messy. What will we do with the mess? To me, the hardest part is the guilt from the realization that our lives will go on. It almost seems as if we are caught between the grief of loss and the reality of our life. Sometimes the living feels uncomfortable, almost a "how can we" if our grief is real. So it comes down to choices. I believe that we honor those whom we have lost, or know that we will lose soon, by living. Living more reflectively, with purpose, aware of those simple things that truly are blessings, but still living. Unfortunately for Bennett this means he will still be grounded if he gets bad grades (my version of bad ;) )and yelled at for a messy bedroom. I wish I didn't yell, but the fact is that I do. Maybe I`ve found my New Years Resolution for 2012. It`s about balance. Which seems to be the key to just about any circumstance or situation. In all of the circumstances of loss that surround me this year, I am struck by an amazing realization. Whether the loss of a parent, sweet babies gone to soon, or the anticipated loss of a sister, all of these amazing people are loved, have known love, have been figuratively and literally wrapped in arms of love. This is a simple abundance. For those who have suffered loss and those suffering at the thought of loss. I find comfort in the Harry Potter series for this reason. It all comes down to love. Those who have known it are forever changed and physical death and separation do not sever the ties and bonds of love. The November 26th entry in the Simple Abundance journal has a prayer from a 13th Century mystic, Damme Julian of Norwich, that I find comforting. All shall be well, And all shall be well, And all manner of things shall be well. The reflection is one that I turn to almost every day. "Some mysteries are beyond our comprehension. Some mysteries we will never solve. Never know. ..... Sometimes we can`t make sense of it. Sometimes none of it makes sense. Sometimes it just is. But if we can hold on long enough for this night to give way to another, all shall be we'll, even if it`s different from what we had expected. Even if it`s different from what we had hoped for and believed with all our hearts would happen". There isn`t a false hope that things will be good or ok, that they will be well implies that we will make it. I will meditate daily on hope and peace for my friends and loved ones. Expressing gratitude for: 1. a sister who make the choice every day to continue to live, not just be alive. My life is richer because of her. 2. friends who don`t get upset by broken Christmas ornaments (sorry Lori!) 3. Christmas mugs from which to drink my tea during the holiday season .

Embracing the Ebb

The story in Simple Abundance of a melancholy Queen may seem a little disconnected from our realities, but the message is profound in its simplicity. The entry ends with "This, too, shall pass". Both an inspiration and a fear. The focus as we begin November is to prepare for the year's closure. For some this is a melancholy time. Maybe hopes, dreams and aspirations will not only not be realized but forever lost. Maybe goals set at the inspirational beginning of the year were quickly abandoned. But the message here is deeper than the story. Melancholy has set in. Not the can't get off the couch kind. I once had a doctor ask me about being depressed. When I asked her to define it she clarified. Do I spend the day in bed because I can't face the day? Am I unable to keep my commitments for work, family or child schedules. I remember asking if those things were an option! Do people really get to choose those things? How do the bills get paid? The clothes get washed? Maybe if I had known those things were options I would have considered them. She assured me this was just an indication that I wasn't depressed (a symptom of a syndrome that I have). But melancholy, well that's a different beast. To me the difference is that even while I attend to those daily responsibilities I can't shake the feeling of dread, of despair, of hopelessness. I'm just going through the motions. And while there are reasons, it still isn't a pleasant place to be.

Back to the queen. The wise gardener is the only one in the kingdom willing to incur her wrath in an effort to help. He tells her that "Earthly souls ebb and flow in sorrow and joy according to the seasons of emotion, just as the seasons of the natural world move through the cycle of life, death and rebirth". We often forget to look to the natural world, the seasons, for guidance. As we enter this season we must remember that even as "the season of daylight diminishes and the time of darkness increases" "the true Light is never extinguished in the natural world, and it is the same in your soul". We need to remember to "embrace the ebb", and "not fear the darkness". And there is a promise in this. For just as the seasons complete their annual cycle "Light will return and you will know contented hours once again. Of this I am sure". While the season of darkness, of winter, of the stillness that seems as death is upon us, it is from this time of rest that rebirth occurs. The spring is coming. The promise of light and rebirth; of hope. In the meantime, I'll be riding the ebb and flow. Learning from this season with the promise that this, too, shall pass.

Expressing gratitude today for:
1. the comfortable chair I sit on every day at work (a Christmas present from Bennett)
2. the excitement I share with my students as they plan their future (college acceptances are starting to roll in!)
3. a special date day with Bennett last Saturday at his favorite place in the world

Six Months

Six months ago, at this moment, I had fallen in love. With a beautiful baby boy named Ronan. My nephew, my sister's "rainbow baby". The embodiment of hope and joy. Six months later, the grief and ache of his loss over 3 months ago feels fresh and deep. And then I remember my sister and brother-in-law, and any sense of peace or release that I may have felt is suddenly gone. What do you do when there is nothing that can be done. While I go through the feelings of loss, anger, grief, exhaustion...each emotion is amplified by the understanding that the depth of my feeling and understanding is nothing compared to the loss felt by Kim and Chris. Every day. I know that I am missing all of the plans I had for spoiling my niece and nephew. Loving them in the way that my sister has loved my son. But I face everyday with my son sleeping in the bedroom next to me. Schedule my day around swim practice and homework check and orthodontist appointments. All of those parenting tasks that seem so overwhelming; that make life busy and unsettled. But I am conscious of the fact that every time I am annoyed there is not a lot my sister wouldn't give to be able to be tending to those mundane, daily parenting tasks.

As I journey through this path of simple abundance, I can find joy in the realization that I have learned to appreciate what is worthy of my energy. I am blessed that my sister would allow me to share her precious short time with Ronan. I am thankful for every story read, every time I held his hand or pacifier. I don't regret one summer day spent in a hospital room instead of "on vacation". Often I feel that the abundance that I have is not simple, but overflowing. The mommyhood of parents who have suffered the loss of their angel babies; who everyday face getting out of bed with grace and strength, who are an example of love and support and all that is good; my life is richer because I know them. From my wonderful friend Pamela, who has held my hand and my heart through the loss of Phoebe and Ronan, even when the experience made her own loss so near and real;  Chrissy who would remember  Kim and I in the hospital room all day long and bring dinner, "coffee" and treats as she split her time between M at home, healthy, and E, Ronan's quadrox buddy at the hosptial; Becky who opened her heart to be with Chrissy and Dave during E's final days, documenting such beautiful, lasting memories for the last time even while hoping for a very different outcome for Oakes. And then there is my sister. I am the "big sister", but have learned so much from Kim. Maybe it is our differences that let us appreciate one another rather than compete. She may want to rage and stay at home and not face the daily petty problems others present. But she does. And so does Pamela. And so does Chrissy. And that is how I know that while I have a long path to take and many lessons to learn, there is faith in knowing that with these amazing women that I call sister and friends there will be a purpose.

Today I am thankful for:
*Amazing women who have shown me what strength of character can do to change the world.(Check out "Caps from Collin" on facebook)
*Perspective (or, the strength to know what is important so you don't freak out in the middle of a meeting)
*The time I was privileged to share with Phoebe, Ronan and Elizabeth. Although too short, every moment is treasured. They are never forgotten.

I shared this quote from the Oct. 18th journal entry "A Lesson from Loss" on my facebook page. "

"If today is so horrendous that the gift doesn't seem worth acknowledging; if you can't find one moment to enjoy, one simple pleasure to savor, one friend to call, one person to love, one thing to share, one smile to offer; if life is so difficult you don't want to bother living it to the fullest, then don't live today for yourself." ~Sarah Ann Breathnach.  Live it for Phoebe, Ronan, Elizabeth, Noah, Jenna....and all of the other angels and their parents who would give almost anything for the gift of a day

World Food Day

I'm making my blog return to celebrate Blog Action Day. This year the theme is food, as it is also World Food Day. Food is an interesting topic as the lack of it can be deadly but so can too much, or the wrong choices in food. To me it seems that once again the secret is balance. There isn't anything wrong with loving food, providing choices, developing dishes as an art form. But often, at least in America with all its abundance, we forget that food has a job. We disconnect from the idea of nourishment and too often use food as a painkiller. One with unfortunate side effects.

In the nineties my husband and I met a couple from Poland. They were in their early thirties and still adjusting to how different live was in the United States compared to their upbringing in communist Poland. I remember asking them what was the biggest adjustment for them. Without hesitation both of them answered "food". Not different styles or ingredients, but going to a store, sometimes open 24 hours, and looking at aisle after aisle of choices. Always having fresh meat and produce available. Such a simple thing. Food always available. Even with the economic hardships we have faced in the US, we still have stores filled with choices, even as some struggle to figure out how to pay for said food.

I am sure that there will be more thought-provoking conversation from experts who have ideas about how food distribution and world crisis can be solved. For me, the importance of food comes from the image I have of the the joy my sister and brother-in-law experienced when they were able to feed their infant son in the CICU. Such a simple thing that most of us take for granted. Feeding your infant. Many parents around the world, whether from lack of resources or illness, are helpless to provide the basic life requirement of nourishing their child. For this, and many other reasons, I am learning to count my blessings daily. Signing off to make my family apple pie oatmeal for breakfast! Happy blogging.

Priorities

For those who have been following my blog, you will have noticed the lack of posts recently. My nephew, Ronan Christopher Bush, was born on April 27th. Just the week before, on April 21st, was the 1st year anniversary of the passing of my niece, Phoebe Johanna Bush. It has been a difficult time as Ronan developed symptoms one day after his birth that could mean he also has alveolar capillary dysplasia. There is no cure. At this time he is on the lung transplant list at St. Louis Children's Hospital. We're working on establishing a blog to keep everyone update on Ronan's journey to the moon. Thanks for your patience. Life has a way of truly making us appreciate the simple abundance path.

Finally getting it!

I was dutifully attending to the journal the last couple of days (like taking your vitamins because it's good for you, not because you enjoy it), considering the issue of color. I actually went shopping and put this to use. Yes, I bought clothes! I have a very patient teenage son who spent more of an afternoon than he wanted holding clothes and shuffling through stores. I did get him a dog, so he was very forgiving ;) Let's be clear, I still went the TJ Maxx route. Not a "maxinista" yet, but do have some classic with a twist choices that will serve me well for the rest of the school year. Color is also rolling through my mind as Bob puts the final mud coat on the new drywall in the dining room.  I've complained that it wasn't ready for me to paint at the end of break, but I still don't know what color I'm going to use. Guess I should think about that (and all the hard work Bob has put into the project) before I say anything else.
And then yesterday appears, blindsiding me a bit. Affordable luxury. Doesn't seem like it should hit with a reality that has had me thinking for over 24 hours before blogging. Defining overtly the Simple Abundance path as a balance between being frugal and spending what we can't afford. "A daily meditation on the true comfort and joy of moderation, as well as gentle instruction on how to become open to receiving the goodness of Real Life". Had to read that last bit again. "how to become open to receiving the goodness of Real Life". I have not been open. Somewhere along the way I closed myself off to receiving. I love to give. Receiving is harder. It implies that I'm not able to do everything on my own. Could be those control issues that I deal with. That I thought I had made real progress toward balancing. But maybe I am and that's why I now have to continue to move forward in balance. As I was chewing on THAT, I reached the next paragraph, discussing how the Universe isn't stingy people are. Automatically I reject that because I KNOW that I'm not stingy. Yeah! And then I keep reading. About how people aren't stingy with friends, family, those in need. But stingy in how we treat ourselves. Ouch. Got me again.

This lesson is going to be ongoing for "Simple Abundance is about finally learning how to release feelings of poverty and lack and replace them with feelings of prosperity and affluence". Even when I actually lived in poverty as a teenager I don't remember feeling disconnected from the feeling of worthiness. Not sure where "I'm not worth it" has come from, but it definitely needs to go. Am making progress as I bought myself an extra shirt today! That means mix and match and choices. In fact, as we went to leave the outlet I was going to return it. I don't really "need" an extra shirt. Thankfully my husband recognizes my issues and talked me into keeping it. At least for now. I can always return it later if it doesn't work. A partner that "gets" us is also a special gift from the Universe. Today I declare myself open to receiving all the abundance that the Universe is ready to bestow. And understand that this means looking at each day as having the possibility for being a special occasion if I learn to "receive with grace and a grateful heart".

Expressing gratitude today for:
1. An in tune partner--clueing in the to the little things when I least expect it
2. The smile on my son's face every time he looks at his new dog
3. Time with my sister-gratitude and blessing her way

Whom Do You Admire?

I'm told (by the journal!) that if I tell whom I admire you could probably tell a great deal about my hopes, dreams, and personal style. So let's try it! The theory, according to Claude M. Bristol is that "we become what we envisage". Not surprisingly the people whom I admire do not reflect my outer style but represent things that I strive for as a reflection of who I am.

1. Nelson Mandela. We all have choices in our lives. Turn the other cheek kind of moments. As a child of an abusive home I tend to get my feathers up and see backing down as a sign of weakness. Oh, but Nelson Mandela. There is a man. Not a perfect man (as his family relationships attest), but who is? I read his autobiography The Long Walk to Freedom last summer and was so inspired. For the short cut version, you can rent the movie Invictus (which does have the added bonus of Matt Damon!).

2. Maya Angelou. Many similarities to Nelson Mandela in that her life was not lived down a perfect path. There are many, especially in conservative circles, that would question her morals and faith. But she is real. To think that we almost lost this voice through her personal tragedy. What amazing wisdom the world would have missed. I have grown much over the last couple of years by embracing your philosophy of "when you know better, you do better". So much easier to forgive past wrongs and hurt when you can contemplate that thought. And, how cool do you have to be to be Oprah's mentor! Oprah would also be on my list, but I'm branching out. I'm sure Oprah will be discussed plenty throughout the course of my blogging experience!

3. Benazir Bhutto. Her book Islam, Democracy and the West could be a primer for many current crisis in the Islamic world. Yes, Islam and democracy can co-exist. But the west (especially the UK and the US!) are going to have to be comfortable with THEIR version of democracy. It always amazes me that as a young country we have made so many of these same mistakes, and would never dream of thinking it was ok for another country to "help" us get it right. Besides, I love the look on my teenagers face when I book talk this book. Short version: (hold up the book cover) Who can tell me about Benazir Bhutto?  (silence) Ok, I'll give you some hints. Let's start with the title. What do you assume about her? (She knows something about Islam.....). What if I told you that she was a Muslim woman from Pakistan? What would you think the book is about? (LOTS of comments on how she can't be educated, can't leave her house, home come her face isn't covered....) What if I told you she served as Prime Minister of Pakistan more than once? (disbelief, she's a woman. how could that possibly be true?) Yes, the democratic leader of the world (U.S.) has yet to elect a female President, yet Bhutto served twice in Pakistan.  A true leader, bridge builder, intelligent, compassionate woman. I believe the current Afghan/Pakistani situation would be very different if she hadn't been assassinated. Yet she was willing to serve the cause knowing full well it would probably mean her life.

4. My Husband. Yeah, I complain about him more than I should. Men and women are different! Can lead to interesting frustrations in day to day living. But by any account my husband should have given up in childhood. The things the man has experienced, endured and come through are remarkable. I know that my son is the amazing young man he is because of his example. I start everyday with a warm car and fresh brewed cup of green tea. Better than flowers any day.

5. My sister. Strong, beautiful, determined. Amazing. Ambitious, caring and kind. How she has lived this past year beyond the grief astounds me. Her willingness to continue to invest her love and energy in other people and their needs is humbling. I've learned so much. Much of my grief comes not just from the loss of Phoebe last year, but the loss of the mothering Phoebe had from Kim and Kim for Phoebe. And yet there is hope. A new life about to join us. Anticipation and anxiety are travelling the same path. I look at my son differently every day.

Ok, now it's your turn? Whom do you admire? And what does my list say about me? Time for some chatter people!

Expressing gratitude today for:
1. An inexpensive camera that still allows me to take my silly pics of birds, animals and flowers.
2. The bird sanctuary on a beautiful, spring day.
3. A pair of sandhill cranes that made me miss my husband.

April Showers.....

Ok, I'm not sure that the snow showers are going to encourage those May flowers, but we'll see! Spring break in Northern Michigan is always a gamble. We've been in shorts on the beach and had 2 feet of snow overnight. Good thing I like suprises!

For those of you who are reading the journal, remember to flip to the end of the month to see the list of simple pleasures that you should engage in during the course of the month. Some of them require some planning. For instance, had I read about collecting rainwater to wash your hair I could have put out a bucket last night!

As the readings the first two days STILL focused on clothing, I decided to to try to connect with the love of myself. Looking in the mirror, connecting with my inner goddess (inspired by my current reading of The Dance of the Dissident Daughter) I finally realized that I do have the body of a goddess. Unfortunately, it's a fertility goddess. Where did whose lumpy disproportionate hips come from? And THAT renewed my "get off your hiney and get moving" self. As a result, I took an envigorating, brisk morning walk down the two-track country roads. And promptly was reminded why I need to get in touch with my need to buy new things. My shoes gave me blisters. The same shoes that I knew needed to be replaced because they were worn out on the inside heel. I found shoes on our way up north Saturday morning. Good price. Brand that works best for my trail walking. Himmed and hawed. Talked myself out of them (this is a typical shopping experience for me). So, as much as I've dismissed the clothing and shopping entries, it's apparent that I haven't learned the lessons. Anybody know where to find Saucony's in Wellston? No? Well, I'll have to suffer until the big trip to TC on Thursday!

Yesterday we were to contemplate what we were going to be when we grew up? It's interesting to me because I still think about this! Education is being set up to not encourage longevity of service. But I can't let go yet. I have inspired ideas about how to implement the kind of reform being tossed around by politicians and business people who would not last an entire day in high school. I do a lot of thinking on my walks and yesterday was no exception. I have one sticking point in my plan, perhaps today's walk will work that out! The journal talks about being inspired by red cowboy boots. I have to say I'm not a cowboy boot kind of gal. But new red Tom's shoes? That could be part of an inspired spring!

Learning that less is more is not a difficult concept for me. I just need to learn to accept that it's ok to invest in myself. Not sure when this change happened. I was a fairly stylish young adult. But as priorities and responsibilities shifted, and it was necessary to become more frugal, I shifted my thinking accordingly. Now, I need to shift back my thinking to a more realistic view of my current circumstances instead of living in the financial fears of the past. Wish me luck!

Expressing gratitude today for:

1. Time with my sister.
2. Beginning each day of my break with a beautiful view of the lake and birds.
3. Inspiring memories through scrapbooking.

Style

Leah Feldon-Mitchell defines style as "the intersection of what you wear with who you are". An important concept, according to Linda Ellerbee is that "Styles, like everything else, change. Style doesn't."To me this is an important consideration in a simple abundance path.  It can seem overwhelming to keep up with styles. Takes time, energy and money. This is an area that I think I have achieved a sense of style. I don't care if skinny jeans are all the rage or blousy tops that look great on women without a chest. It doesn't like right on me. So I try to find the colors or silhouettes that match the season while staying true to my body type. That said, I refuse to wear leggings! I believe there was a time in the late 80's and early 90's where the only pants I owned were a form of leggings. I'm over it. Perhaps if the long sweaters and blousy shirts that look so great with the leggings looked good on me I would change my mind.

This reflection made me realize that I am more engaged in my sense of style and clothing than I had thought. Doesn't mean what is in my closet actually reflects all of this knowledge and style, but my comfort with styles that are appropriate and the confidence to not be swayed by the current styles that are not consistent with MY style are a great start. I'm enjoying my last week of corduroys for the school year!

Expressing gratitude today for:
1. a dental hygienist who can relate to my son. Never have anxiety at the dentist office with Carol!
2. Zingerman's chocolate cherry bread french toast for brinner.
3. Access to a variety of fresh fruits and veggies all year.

Never Too Late....

Saturday and Sunday's journal entries focused on the though that it's never too late. It all begins with a quote from George Eliot: "It is never too late to be what you might have been". This thought was very connected to an experience I had on a field trip last week. I was privileged to chaperone 3 very different groups of students together to the performance of "The Secret Life of Bees" at the Macomb Performing Arts Center. The American Place Theater has a traveling program "bringing literature to life" that travels across the U.S. reinterpreting literary novels in a one-person performance. The program begins with a discussion of the historical context of the book, a verbatim interpretation by an actor and a question and answer section. My students, of course, were the most well-behaved and attentive. So proud to accompany them! During the question and answer session the actor was asked when she began to perform. Imagine the students surprise (an auditorium of middle and high school students) when the answer was when she turned 34. The actor grew up in a very small town in Georgia, 30 miles from the nearest fast food restaurant. She had never even SEEN a play until she participated in one at 34. 20 years later she is traveling the country, presenting an interpretation of a beloved novel to students. Her advise? It's never to late to follow your dreams. The students were so inspired. So was I. There will be a time, sooner I believe than originally intended, when I will need an exit strategy from teaching. Scary. What will I do? What will I become? It's not even close to too late to start considering possibilities. Or, as Nancy Thayer reminds us "It's never to late--in fiction or in life--to revise".

Having been inspired by the quote and it leading to much reflection, I skimmed the ongoing focus on my wardrobe. I have no issue with getting rid of clothes. In fact, I have too little.My brother-in-law made the suggestion that I just bring a container of stuff to leave at their house for my long visits. I found it amusing that he thinks I have enough options to leave some of them in a tub 4 hours away! My problem is finding replacements. My short, curvy self is hard to fit! My comfort clothes reflect this, as in the winter it's my cords. I can look appropriate for school while being prepared to climb under, on and over equipment, haul tables for blood drive (actually happened yesterday) and still make a presentation to parents after school. Ok, I'll be honest. The corduroys were NOT the right choice for the parent meeting, but I was a fill-in. Did I mentioned I was dressed to drag tables for blood drive?

Finding inspiration in Sue Monk Kidd's writings lately. Especially enjoying "The Dance of the Dissident Daughter". The first chapter read so similar to my life I was astounded. While my spiritual path at this time does not focus on the Sacred Feminine to the extent that Kidd's does, the transformative process is inspiring.

Today I will express gratitude for fashion related reflections as penance for my lack of focus on the wardrobe challenges!
1. Grateful that I overcame my bow obsession of the late 80's/early 90's
2. That I found the confidence to love pink again.
3. My son makes me smile every day. Part of his plan for success developed over the weekend includes more UofM apparrel to keep him focused on his swim and educational goals. I may give in to that one ;)

Real Life

In March 24th's Secret Sabateur's discussion of dark days I am reminded of a conversation I had with a doctor. Dealing with a medical issue that often had associated depression she asked me to describe how often I felt depressed. I needed to know her definition of depressed. Well, she said, do you ever have difficulty getting up or stay in bed all day? Do you not go out or interact with other people? etc. etc. Similar to the journal entry of not remembering when you showered last or barely making it out the door. My response? Don't these people work! Sheesh. Yes, I have days that I don't FEEL like facing the world, getting out of bed, etc. But I have a job. And a son. Do you realize what happens when you ignore those things and stay in bed? They don't go away!!! It just piles up into a more depressing array of tasks that need to be complete. The assessment was that I obviously am not depressed. That doesn't mean that I don't deal with dark moods or feeling overwhelmed, sad, uninspired to the point that I don't WANT to get up and face life. But I do.

Friday's "Finding clothes that fit your lifestyle" did come at the right time. As much as I get annoyed by all of this shopping discussion, I had just thought the previous day that I needed to reassess my wardrobe and make some purchases. Having found the perfect fit comfortable cords from JcPenney (hmm...maybe they'll give me some advertising dollars here!) I tend to spend most of my winter in them. But you can't pull off cords well in the spring. And of the tops and 2 pair of pants that I do have for spring, the newest is 3 years old. Time to start looking. Since I am the antithesis of the body type clothes are designed for, this will be a process. Good thing spring break is coming!

I think that it's fair to say that the clothes I choose accurately represent the fact that I am a teacher, with a teenage son, that has a busy schedule. I am comfortable with that, but would like the look slightly more polished. It is difficult to believe that I was in jewelry sales for years and rarely wear any! These days, my jewelry that I do wear is almost exclusively handmade by my friend. It feels like I am carrying the gift of our friendship and her creativity with my on those days. I remember when I first started substitute teaching I overheard a comment by a teacher that she could pick out a teacher in a store every time. It was the ugly,comfortable shoes! I admire the teachers I work with that always look pulled together, including their stylish, fashionable shoes. For me, I'm going to have to stick with the Skechers on most days. Although, I may be willing to try some wedges this spring. Kinda crazy!

Expressing my gratitude for:
1. Amazing students who challenge themselves everyday far beyond what we even considered at that age.
2. The birds singing like it's spring when it looks like winter.
3. A second weekend with my girlfriends. Unexpected surprise!

Self-confidence -- a first rate version of yourself!

It's been a long week. Monday would have been my niece Phoebe's 1st birthday. A marker in time. What to do with it? Still processing. Journaling was not where I was at. That sweet baby face, the joy of her birth and the mindfulness her presence created are an indelible part of my existence. I'm forced to reflect upon the lessons she taught, mostly what being fully present means. It was an important event in my simple abundance path.

Pushing forward and dealing with the issue of self-confidence. The difference between self-esteem and self-confidence was interesting. I see this in those that I love. How can a person with so in tune with who they are, strengths and weakness, abilities and challenges, suddenly become less than what they are in the face of uncomfortable circumstances. That is where confidence comes in. The great lesson to me, as a mother, is that building the self-esteem in your child gives them the tools to choose confidence (even if faking it for a while!). To me, self-confidence is related to the work and consideration we put into our appearance. The outer package is important and it isn't just what we put on. It's the way we carry ourselves and approach challenges. The key, I believe, to being self-confident is to be prepared. And believe in yourself enough to know that even for situations that challenge us or are unexpected, we will come through. If you are in tune with your authentic self, that self will always have the strength that you need.

My son is a great swimmer and student, but his confidence is sometimes swayed in circumstances of comparison. While this is an example of the difference between self-esteem and self-confidence, it is also a lesson in being a "first-rate version of yourself". Judy Garland phrases it like this: "Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else". My son's coach is always telling him this. I don't want you to be the next Michael Phelps,....(or, lists other swimmers!) I want you to be the first Bennett. My students are often disconnected from this concept. My encouragement is that every assignment, every attitude, every choice is a reflection of who you are. If you aren't connecting to a class, assignment, circumstance because you don't believe it has any bearing on your future it still isn't ok to just disconnect! Why would you ever want what you are reflecting to the world to be less than your very best? Hmmm, that sounds like a lesson I should probably reflect upon today!

We are the Hero of our Own Story!

Awakening sleeping beauty is an interesting metaphor. I feel that my spindle was when I started planning my wedding. I had just had an awakening, a feeling of who and what I was. In that moment my husband came into my life. Not to fulfill something, but because I was finally ready. But as I moved into the roles traditionally assigned I lost the strength and assuradness that I had gained. My strength and positions and way of viewing the world became a hindrance to my husband's ministry. But my re-awakening has not come all at once. It is a process slowly emerging. The awesome part is that it didn't happen because of a prince's kiss, but was influenced by the love and acceptance of a husband who would rather have my be my authentic self than the image of what is expected in a given role.

In considering a woman with repose of the soul I am reminded of my midwife. She is such a special person, truly "listens with responsive eyes and smiles". I remember when I finally realized what is was that I so appreciated about this person who had shared such an important event in my life. It was her quiet strength. My meditations have been spent considering how to nurture quiet strength. I am definitely a LOUD strength. I'm coming to terms with the fact that this is part of the past creating my present, and not necessarily in a bad way. Had I not found my voice at an early age I may well have been lost to a cycle of abuse and poor choices. Learning to be strong in a loud way saved me. Now I need to continue to consider when strength is most appropriately loud and when it is strongest in its quietness. This is a lesson that I see continue for a lifetime.

My friend and I were discussing this weekend how healthy choices affect our appearance. Even wrinkles and aging are more prominent if our bodies are not watered and fed appropriately. And of course this means watering and feeding the soul. You can't be a woman with repose of the soul without this inner beauty shining through. And as satisfied with I am most of the time with the woman that looks back at me in the mirror, Marianne Williamson's quote is an honest reflection of most our experiences (including those "incredibly beautiful women" if their interviews are to be believed!):

"Don't you love it when some incredibly beautiful woman like Linda Evans or Cindy Crawford tells us that the real beauty secret is finding your inner light? No shit. But I've done the same things these women have done to find my inner light and while it's true I"m happier, I still don't look like them."

Focus on Yourself

I can't believe I haven't posted all week! Let's get down to business. My eyes needed a time-out from computer screens, but I have been reading the daily journal. The birds are chirping, the sun is shining, the world always looks fresh on the cusp of spring.

Loving Yourself Into Wholeness: If you start sobbing at the question "How are you" I think it is as much because someone asked whom you know sincerely means the question. I suppose there is the chance that a fragile enough state exists that it would be the final straw, but the person asking the question is important. When my friends from high school get together and start having some deep conversations (there may be glasses of wine involved!) and I am asked "how are you?" or "why did you do that?" there is no way that "fine" is going to be an acceptable answer. And we are better for the conversation. It is an accountability that happens nowhere else in my world. I am blessed. I feel no need to beat myself up or be ashamed. In fact, through the process my perspective is usually challenged and I am forced to create a new outlook. Love ourselves into wholeness, for me, also means finding those that are willing to take the journey with us. That's part of the reason for this blog! I must say that in the last 2 years I have gotten better about saying no. Some may find this funny because of how many times I say yes, but I do know my limits. What I commit to I have the ability to give the appropriate attention, including myself.

Self-nuturing: This is the part that is hard for me. I do give myself time (read, blog, walk/hike, etc.) but if it costs money or interferes with the ability to do something for someone else I don't even consider it an option. I love pedicures and massages, but I've gotten a pedicure 3x in my life and massages are limited to Penny at Kim's office. Which means maybe 3x a year. I do have a great hair dresser and a cut and color every 8 weeks is the most consistent self-nuturing splurge in which I indulge. Although, during the summer months I am very good about floating in my pool or the lake with a good book. Some I need to be more indulgent during the winter months!

What do you like about yourself?: I was actually thinking about this today on the way to work when the Bruno Mars song "Just the Way You Are" came on the radio. I decided to sing it to myself. My post for this journal entry is to embed the song. Listen to it. Sing it to yourself. Nuff said.

Accentuate the Positive: Anyone with the title Dame in front of their name deserves to be heard! (Think Dame Judy Dench for my Shakespeare fans). So the quote for today, from Dame Edith Stilwell, will be shared. "If one is a greyhound, why try to look like a Pekingese?" The TLC show What Not To Wear does a great job of addressing this. While there may be a little snarkiness as the current wardrobe is revealed, the participants are NEVER told you are too fat, skinny, tall, chesty, etc to find something that looks good. You may need to have alterations if you're not an off-the-rack size (and let's face it, how many of us are?) but it is a celebration of your body and accepting it for what it is right now. In fact, I think that this whole looking at our appearance work and be aided by a week of "What Not To Wear". Consider this homework. I am, after all, a teacher!

How Do I Look? and Accepting Yourself as You Are Today

In asking the loaded question "How do I look" it was important to me to catch that we are asking ourselves. Not our partners, husbands, sisters, best friends. Ourselves. Self-reflection is such an important part of the path that it doesn't surprise me that this is a question to be asked gently, and more importantly, LISTEN to the answer. I don't remember ever being surprised when I look in the mirror because I know how I feel will be reflected there. When I'm tired, I look tired. When I'm worried or upset, I look mad. When I look my best is when I have been walking or hiking. Those endorphins really do something! Or is it just as important that my face is reflecting how I feel when I am treating my body properly? Now, looking at pictures is a different story. I am often startled at how different I look on camera. Which is why I am rarely in photos. Love taking them though! It's a Yaklin thing.

The Tibetan poet Sahara is so inspiring with the line "I have not encountered another temple as blissful as my own body". While I do love my body, with it's rolls and unevenness, I can honestly say I have not reached the point where I view my body as the most blissful temple. I do appreciate everything that it does for me even as I work toward a more healthy, fit version. Having health scares in my 30s has allowed me to appreciate the wonder of a healthy body even in my forties. Mostly I have yoga to thank for this connection. There is something very respectful in a yoga practice that connects the body spirit in wonderment. This began the healing process in my body. As things grew and attached that shouldn't, I thanked my body daily for everything it allowed me to do. I nurtured and loved every part of my body that was working, concentrating my energy on all that it was doing instead of the things that it shouldn't. I can honestly say that I made it through that time by accepting my body as it was.  It's been a while since I've practiced; I sense some salutations to start my day tomorrow!

Grateful today for:
1. Michigan being invited to the dance
2. amazing canines that can detect cancer (see Cesar's Rules by Cesar Milan)
3. relaxing bath after a walk

You are not your appearance

Reflecting on my outward appearance seems a useful exercise, I"m just not sure I want to spend quite so many days on this topic. Peaking at tomorrow's entry seems to be more of the same. I do think becoming more intimate with my authentic self, and learning to let that authentic self be displayed will result in a change in outward appearance. What I wonder is if the exercises of finding the right clothes and pulling yourself together is part of the process on the path toward realization or if the changes are inspired as the realization occurs. It's the chicken and the egg. I worry more about my friends or acquaintances who can continue to pull together their outward appearance to ignore or hide what is really going on inside. I say follow the adage about the "eyes being the windows to the soul". It's hard to hide or fake that certain spark that comes from authenticity. Body language and the eyes, that's what we need to observe. Although, a sassy outfit bring a sparkle to the eye.

Projecting Your Authentic Self

I unfortunately am not very vague about my personal appearance. I'm sure that I reflect the lack of attention that I pay to my outward appearance. The best I can do is a good haircut and color. That doesn't mean the hair is fixed! I have an amazing hairdresser, but am sometimes ashamed to tell people her name. I don't want them to judge her professional abilities on my example. Since beginning to blog my Simple Abundance journey I have had 5 or 6 inches cut off of my hair and a slightly different style. This change came after more than a year of "so, are we ready for a change? Are we going to lose some of this length?". I took the hint. It needed it. But I never would have done it on my own. My motto is shower and go. It allows me to be at work early, but it probably does send an unfortunately accurate image of the time I put into the package. Does it count that I'm good about touching up my gray roots?

The wardrobe has evolved into a better reflection. I'm a very hard to fit off the rack short, curvy package. There aren't a lot of things that look good. I know what colors I like and wear well but tend to get stuck on a shade or tone and it shows up a lot. This would probably change if I bought a few more clothes. But I must once again express my frustration at the advice  in the journal to gather magazines, spend time looking through and cutting out images, creating possible collages of my style. Mess, mess, lack of time, clutter. Here's what I recommend for the 21st Century. Watch TLC's What Not To Wear. They do a great job of helping women move into their current reality and find the colors and styles that are flattering for their particular body shape. It truly is a reflection of the beauty that is in each woman. Ok, there is a little unflattering look at how horrid the image currently being portrayed; thus the necessity for the intervention. But the focus is on awakening an inner radiance by learning what fits your personality, style and shape. I have to admit to more than one aha moment as I look down and find I am wearing exactly what I SHOULDN"T for my body shape while watching the show. There were several years where the only new things I wore were items that were bought as presents. They were ok, but not right. I still haven't worked myself to the point where I have a coordinated wardrobe, but I am getting better about only buying or keeping what is truly a reflection of me.

One of the most important aspects of the work today was learning how to grow. We do this as women in every aspect of our professional, social and inner selves, but often forget to do the same with out outward appearance. This doesn't mean that we have to look dowdy or no longer wear stylish clothes. But I havet given up the bright red lipstick that was so much a part of my twenties. Tends to emphasize those wrinkles around the mouth in a most unflattering matter!

Expressing gratitude today for:

1. friendly library workers (it's my version of Cheers, "where everybody knows your name")
2. rain instead of ice on the way to work
3. Clairol root touch-up

"Until you make peace with who you are, you'll never be content with what you have". ~Doris Mortman

Awesome! This was an important part of reflecting on the last few days entries. I was able to not be overwhelmed by the suggestions because I know that they do not reflect who I am. Now it's time to dig into how I express myself to the outside world. I know that my passion for education and literacy is evident to anyone who has a long (ok, not even that long) conversation with me. I've never been a fussy girl; my nails are rarely done, my outfits are not accessorized, my make-up is minimal. But usually the appearance is neat, clean and at least matches. I will be working toward creating a wardrobe that is a reflection of who I am instead of what is on sale. Like me, this will be a work in progress. Goal date: start of next school year. I thought about this today while listening to a radio advertisement for no cover Friday nights at a club for, let's say, happening people more my age. I realized that if were asked by friends to go I would have NOTHING to wear. Sad, but true. So is it practical that I dress for my reality,which doesn't include club nights, or do I have that little something in a closet just in case. We shall see. For as Simone de Beauvoir said "One is not born a woman, one becomes one". I'm still working on becoming.

Grateful today for:
1. New technology that revolutionizes our ability to reach students
2. Dinner made for me when I came  home from a late meeting (thanks, babe)
3. written reminders of the sweetness in my boy (thanks Amy)

Catching Up (or, what happens when you leave your book @ work for the weekend)

Having left my book on my desk the end of last week I will do marathon blog to catch up. Doesn't mean I haven't thoughtfully considered the entries!

Personal Sabbath: As I keep the Sabbath the same as Emily Dickinson did (by staying at home) I was interested in this post. Keeping Sabbath is an important tradition. Both spiritually and physically. However, I've actually learned that doing nothing on one day just stresses me out the other six. Pacing and planning keeps me going. But I do set aside block of time to devote to meal that take a longer time to prepare, a longer hike or walk, indulging in a favorite read or political talk shows. Without also doing the laundry or jumping up to accomplish something else. It's part of learning to be in the moment. As good as I think I am at multi-tasking, there is a time for not being divided in focus. I usually reserve this time for when I'm with my family, but am also getting better at setting aside time just for me.

Priming the pump: I don't have a lot of rituals. I think that if I were working at writing creatively I would have a ritual for calming the mind and focusing on the process. Maybe someday that will come. Bob is always telling me I should write, but for now I still need my energy on my lessons with my students. I don't think that will change unless I change careers or when Bennett is off at college. That will be sooner than I want to acknowledge.

Hope chest, toy box and comfort drawer: Ok, I'm going to get a little cranky again. I do NOT have extra drawers or room for boxes. I'm trying to pare down what I have now. There is no storage space in my house. No basement, no garage, precious closet space. Some of the creative and nurturing tasks make me nuts just to consider. It will end up being clutter. So I will endeavor to take on the spirit of the exercise and not accumulate boxes or take up drawer space.

I had no hope chest. Mostly because I wasn't focused on getting married to have set up house. I had always assumed I would be on my own before marriage, so I bought china during college, a nice TV when I was 20, and accumulated some crystal and silver ware besides. They were kept in the back of my closet for when I moved out. The fact that I then got married at 23 and stayed at home until then means it kind of was a hope chest purchase, but the intention was so different. Although I would like a nice cedar chest to store goods. Maybe we just need to change what hope we're storing in the box. The tradition of a hope box makes it feel, to me, like we aren't complete, able to establish a household, until we're married. That's too much pressure; both to find the right someone and to not feel capable of creating a home without the relationship.

The toy box will also not happen. I can't imagine collecting stickers and what nots for a rainy day. I will say that the best part about being a boy mommy, though, is the toys. Legos and cars and balls are so much more fun than dolls and little pieces of plastic parts all over the house. I would rather buy a book or be outside. No one has taken the hints I threw out the last couple of years and bought me snow shoes as a gift, so that is the one "toy" I will probably look for some clearance option and hoist them up on the closet shelve until I pull them out for next year's first big snow. Or Christmas at the Bush's!

Outfitting a Comfort Drawer: This one made me chuckle. First, thinking of where I could possibly find drawer space. Second, that if there were chocolate truffles or after-dinner drinks or any other goodies that they would stay in the drawer and not be gobbled at the first twinge of PMS. As if! If I added scented sachet Bob would say "ewww" every time he walked in to the room. I'm becoming comfortable enough with who I am to know that some of these exercises are just not for me. I appreciate the creative spirit in which they are written, but completing the tasks will take me further away from where I am at this particular part of my journey. For now, the contemplative consideration, and occasional chuckle will suffice.

Would love to know how you prime your creative pump. What would you put in your toy box or comfort drawer, even if you don't make it?

Checking In

After 2 fifteen hour days, I left my book at school! So, no blogging my experience. Will catch up Monday night. In the meantime, I shopped for a candle for my beside meditation area. Didn't actually buy one yet, but I'm getting closer. I've also decided that I need a quilted piece to go over the table. Much more me than lace. We also almost added a dog to our home. It's been 3 1/2 month since we had to put down our 12-year-old rottweiller. Had a home visit for the weekend and the boy was a sweetie. Just a little too protective of his bone. Went to the dog show Saturday and came to the conclusion that rotties really are my favorite, but Bennett is interested in looking into a rescue greyhound. Exciting possibilities all the way around.

Meditation

The mention of meditation used to scare me. I felt inadequate. My grounding in traditional Christianity had me leery of connecting to the practice. At the same time, my disconnect from Christianity had me fearful that the very things left behind would be similar in a meditative practice, especially guided meditation. The first time I began getting comfortable was in my second year of yoga practice. It had begun to be a meditative practice; eyes closed, totaly focused on the connection of my mind and body. My practice developed into more than a class that felt good physically when done to the way I began my day; maybe on the beach while on vacation, or in my bedroom before work. The ability to be at peace, in a stillness of the mind, was something I had never experienced. And then my grandmother passed away. She was the most amazing woman. And I lost that connection. To connect with myself spiritually released too many emotions. At the same time I was dealing with relationship issues, a new job and some serious health issues. I let it go.  My practice is still not what it was after that disconnect 8 years ago. I'm thinking this year is the year.

The reconnection began 2 1/2 years ago during an unforgettable vacation with high school friends in the mountains of Colorado. Early morning hikes, connected group yoga, white water rafting and gem mininig were all wonderful experiences. And then there was the group guided meditation. I brought to it all of my fears and anxieties of the practice in general as well as the disconnect from my spirit. But it was nothing like I expected. It was gentle, and understanding and nurturing and nonjudgemental. The opposite of everything that I had brought. There was a powerful lesson for a beginning meditator that was shared. I, like many people, had assumed that meditation meant the ability to empty the mind and become focused and attuned only to the spirit; maybe even one spiritual word or mantra. The brain doesn't work that way! Instead, we were encouraged to acknowledge the disruptive thoughts so that they can move on. I could hear my internal conversation telling my overactive brain that I did hear what it was saying. That I would not ignore the concern or need, but for now I was going to focus on......whatever I wanted to meditate upon. I don't pretend that I know how to meditate, or guide someone else's practice. In previous reflections I've acknowledge that I feel most meditative in nature. Which brings me to today's quote: "Meditation is simply about being yourself and knowing about who that is. It is about coming to realize that you are on a path whether you like it or not, namely the path that is your life." ~Jon Kabat-Zinn

Like it or not, you are living. Which means you're on a path. Which means your meditating. Now we need to focus on knowing who we are. Doesn't that just bring us full circle to being present fully? And it's even ok that there are some days, when we are present, that we acknowledge it's not where we want to be. I think I may start my meditation with corpse pose in my bed tonight ;)

Expressing my gratitude today for:
1. Inspired teachers (with whom I teach and those who teach my son)
2. New books
3. Enough daylight to fit in walks after school

Sidetracked or Serenity

Ok, I normally am a stickler about reading things IN ORDER, but I think that with the Simple Abundance journal you need to check the end of the month Joyful Simplicities at the beginning of the month. There are great ideas of what to celebrate and I like to plan ahead. Reviewing the Joyful Simplicities for February, I did light candles for Candlemas, read romance (even made Bob an e-card using "How Do I Love Thee") and made cookies. What I didn't do was wear lipstick everyday (funny cuz I used to sport a nice, bright red lip), wear perfume (my mom and sis are allergic so I'm out of the habit), rent Out of Africa, or several other recommendations. I will be creating the sacred space.

So, that last paragraph was an exercise in avoidance. Today's entry was a little to biographical. The scenario presented of a sidetracked woman has actually occurred in my home. More than once! It's hard when you have 6 things that need to be done and time to do 2 to not flit from thing to thing. For those of you who aren't reading the journal, the scenario is a woman brushing her teeth who leaves the bathroom to make the bed while still foaming at the mouth. I actually usually do several things while brushing my teeth (drives Bob nuts!). Sometimes, being more present with those I love means I'm scattered trying to accomplish tasks. But I love the admonishment to STOP associating serenity with things that can't be changed (from the Serenity Prayer) but to restore serenity in our daily lives through consciousness. When will this be accomplished? "When women stop behaving as if they were whirling dervishes". I'm trying to hide from the very real image of myself as that whirling dervish. Exercise helps. Been better at that this month ;)

Expressing gratitude for:
1. The ability to laugh at myself-it's happening more and more often.
2. People who slow down their cars and don't splash you when you're walking
3. My iPod touch. Has changed how I do so much. Can't imagine what my life would be like if I had an iPad!

Creating a Sacred Space

It always amazes me how divinely timed is the process. Just yesterday I was catching up on a "Behind the Scenes" Oprah show where she showed her meditation room and went through what she has in the room and how she uses it. I remember thinking how peaceful it seemed, not overly big or overdone, but cozy, inviting to meditation. But I don't have room for what I need now (and I'm serious...1100 square feet with no garage or basement and my big boys...limited space!); can't think of how to create a meditation space. And then the journal takes on this challenge. A sacred space is just that, space. Not an entire room, but just a space. I'm reminded of the home altars that are so important in many cultures and religious beliefs. The home itself may be very humble, but there is attention and purpose in identifying and creating a sacred space.

So I started to think about what could be a sacred space. There are 3 options. A corner in my living room that I have eyed for a reading chair with light and side table, a small corner in my bedroom, or the nightstand beside my bed. All would work, but I do want to begin to use it as a meditative space. As the living room is our only gathering spot, it would limit my available meditation time. I will probably begin with my nightstand. I already have a yoga meditation book there. I used to keep a beautiful wire and bead basket with a couple of rocks I've collected on top. And at different times there has been a candle. It seems as if I had already made attempts to create a sacred space there. I will now do so with intention. Although, it may not be done this week. Hoping you find a sacred "space", however big or small, as you continue on your journey.

Today I'm sending all of my thoughts of gratitude to my friends the Burr's as they deal with a life-threatening illness. Many long swim days were made not just bearable, but down right fun, having experienced them with Shawn. Prayers and blessings for Shawn, Amanda and the girls.

Commiting to Your Spiritual Awakening

I do believe in spiritual laws or truths as opposed to an absolutist philosophy of one spiritual path. The principle came to my attention while I was still following a traditional spiritual path. The following quote is so true: "If you consciously work to bring more gratitude, simplicity, order, harmony, beauty, and joy into your daily life,your world will be transformed whether you believe a Higher Power is guiding you or not." I had bosses that exemplified this principle. I watch as they openly disagreed with the need for a conversion or spiritual experience, yet worked consciously to live exactly as the quote above says. It is the only office of women that was peaceful; because it was expected, even demanded of us. Conversations that were gossipy or mean-spirited were not allowed. And my one boss had the courage to not just to set this expectation, but be firm enough to call out people when inappropriate conversations had taken place. At first it was a little disconcerting and felt a bit like having a mom, which was funny as all of the other people in the office were her age or older! But there was a security in knowing that the everyone was held to the same expectation and instead of just being an ideal, it was the way our office would function. I apply those same principles with my students in the library. Our intentions behind our words, conversations, expressions create an atmosphere. We must be conscious of what we create, to "set in motion a cycle of good that blesses all concerned". We usually are not aware of how our actions, especially the simple ones, are affecting those around us. Even more reason to live every aspect of our life with intention.

Expressing gratitude today for:

1. Choices in the grocery store. So many people around the world do not have choices.
2. The ability financially to make those choices.
3. Grandmas who make sloppy joes and don't mind big boys filling up space.

Catching up

Swim and finishing up a class have kept me away. So we're catching up on the weekend! Hoping for at least one, if not two, state times today.

Gotten your attention: I laughed when I read this encouragement from Sarah to either keep going on the journey, get reconnected if you haven't made the time. Or sign off and try again later. That's what I had done the day before. Mumbling about not understanding the exercise, or wanting to do it, but doing it anyway. Kind of like taking bad medicine that you hope will make you better. So, I'm committed. Task complete.

Reordering priorities. To me this references the biblical Proverbs 31 woman. This proverb details how accomplished is a woman committed to her path. For anyone who hasn't read this proverb I encourage you to do so. But in the context of the lesson on reordering your priorities. I believe that the secret to a successful woman is that you CAN do it all, you just can't do it all at the same time. There are seasons. I could not do my job the way I do it if my son were younger or if I had had the 6 children that I wanted. There is only so much to go around. This reinforces the importance of making time to be still, contemplative, meditate and personally rejuvenate. Without these tools (and sometimes even with them) we will miss the timeliness of shifting in our priorities. Five years ago I would not have been able to start my work day @ 6 a.m. Ten years from now I may not be able to keep up with hours of additional work on nights and weekends. But if I prioritize correctly I can still be effective, in both choosing my priorities and accomplishing what is necessary. If the past is any indication, early morning swim drives will be over before I'm ready.

Real Life Begins With Reference: I have never asked my husband if he "minded" me going away for a night or weekend. If he were the type of man who minded I wouldn't be married to him. I remember serving as President of the distance learning student government when Bennett was a toddler and having University woman asking how I got my husband to let me leave my two-year-old at home so I could fly to Washington State. My husband is perfectly capable of parenting! Sometimes as women  I think that we don't give men credit, or opportunity, to step up and be effective parent. Of course they don't do things the way we do, that's why they need us ;) Doesn't mean they aren't capable (for short periods of time!).  To me being inside beautiful walls do not inspire reverence. I feel that way when I'm out in nature. The trail in my little town is my happy place. The kingfisher calling out at the beginning of the walk. The snakes and turtles sunning themselves in early spring, the coyote napping in the winter. I become refocused and reenergized with hardly any thougtht. Nature is my cathedral. I don't worship nature, it is my conduit to revererent intention. Where are you brought to a place of reverence?

I'm grateful today for:
1. dinner with friends, old and new
2. a warm shower
3. Excedrin (without which this blog would not have been possible today!)

God is in the details -Ludwig Mies VAn Der Rohe

Funny, I had always heard that  idiom as the "devil is in the details". And that is exactly how I felt about the exercise today. I continue to struggle with the seeming contradictory messages of learning to be present and live simply with exercises that require purchases or a lot of thought and consideration to the "things" that we desire. I'm persevering through the exercises believing that there is something to be learned even if I don't get it right now. The exercise today involves listing the 20 specifics you must have in your dream home (money no object of course!). Included are empty drawers for you to fill and bare kitchen cabinets. There are 2 problems I have with this exercise. First, it will have me focusing on all of the things I don't have instead of being grateful for what I do. Second, I'm too eclectic to decide between a pottery mug or a paper-thin china teacup for my morning tea. The truth is, I'm both! And need to have an unfussy space that allows me to feel comfortable having both in my kitchen.

I am willing to look at the things that are considered strong symbols of a life in progress. The soap in the bathroom: organic or natural with a fruit fragrance (NOT anti-bacterial). The flowers in the garden: more tomatoes than flowers (heirloom varieties); the exception is my grandmother's peony bushes that are close to 60 years old (these are probably my favorite possession). The book on my bedside table: there is never just one! Usually I have a cheesy romance novel and a young adult selection. Currently these selections are Will Grayson Will Grayson (YA lit) and Then He Kissed Me by Christie Ridgway. That doesn't include the shelf on my nightstand. There you will find Rodney Yee's The Poetry of Yoga, a meditation book, and REALLY cheesy romance novels that no one else is willing to read. Feel free to discuss what these details mean about my authentic self!

Grateful today for:

1. A reliable vehicle to transport me to work (and swim boys to wet spots around the state!)
2. Creative energy from collaboration
3. Meaningful conversations with my son

Excavating-part deux

Ok, I'm gonna go digging. But it's gonna be brief and I'm not happy about it. I figure if there is so much emphasis on the activity there may be something I'm missing by not participating. So, here goes. Returning to my childhood home is my version of being sent to hell. Not sure I believe in the literal hell, so this is definitely my version. I remember pretty white curtains with blue flowers in my bedroom (which I shared with my sister). The walls were a pretty blue that was painted over layers of old wallpaper that was peeling in spots. There was a big hole in the ceiling in the kitchen area, rending it unuseable, especially during a hard rain. You had to pass this area to get to the washer and dryer. The floor was so bad that the neighbor girl literally fell through the floor up to her knees one morning before school. Embarrassing. And that was just the physical reality. My childhood experience, including the home, was not as difficult as many, but something no child should have to experience. It's why I worry about the slow progress of remodeling in my current home. Does the lack of trim as we wait for the next phase embarass Bennett as I was embarrassed? I hope not.

I don't remember admiring or envying other girls in my teenager years except for the semblance of normalcy that allowed them to carry themselves with an assuredness I'm still not sure I possess. It was never about their clothes, or houses or vacations. There is something about the lack of worry for the basic things in life that guarantees success in social settings and the general world. This is something I remember as I deal with my students every day. Many of them are in much worse situations that I was. What I do know came from that long buried experience is a sense that I would have a very different life. In many ways I have succeeded. While it has meant relinquishing my childhood faith, loss of close family relationships and a bumpy journey down my path it has also given me a strength of character and purpose that I don't know I would have had otherwise.

I'm still not sure that this excavation was necessary. I drove through my old hometown with my husband and son yesterday, probably giving me the courage to proceed. It's the first time I can remember not getting sick to my stomach as I drove through. I was able to point out old friends houses, where I went to school, the little league park where I spent so much time. There were some good things. But the good thinks occurred while I was pretending that my reality was that of a normal small town girl. I even created my good times based on belief of what could and should be. There is a resilience in the hope that my younger self carried forward that I continue to look to for inspiration. If Seigfried could do it, I guess my journey was not nearly as difficult. Hoping that you're excavation reveals a beautiful tile mosaic you didn't remember existed. I'm still looking for mine.

Grateful today for:
1. A sister who can relate (even if she doesn't want to excavate either!)
2. A glass is 3/4 full perception of life (I'm more than a little polyanna at times)
3. A husband who can whip up dinner while I'm finishing coursework I had forgetten was due.

Becoming an Archeologist

At this part of the journey, the role we are to assume is that of an archeologist, digging into our past in order to become more self-aware. I've already mentioned that this is difficult for me...digging before about 15 or 16 just isn't worth going through. Growth has occurred as I now am able to embrace that part of my life as essential to the creation of who I am today, but I just don't want to go through it again. I've made peace and moved on.

But an experience yesterday has my reconsidering. Not necessarily the need to revisit that time, but the significance of how I deal with that past. And being open that at some time it may need to be revisited. As a family we went to the Holocaust Memorial Center in West Bloomfield. As Bennett is studying WWII right now, it seemed a good thing to do during break. I have heard survivors speak before, having hosted virtual field trips in my media center and there is nothing more moving than hearing a first person account. We were told that there would be no survivor at the museum, but went in time to take the official tour. Seeing the numbers associated with each country is mind boggling. Most astounding to me is only 77 lives lost in Denmark, proof that taking a stand does make a difference. At the end of the guided tour we were taken back to the lecture room and introduced to a survivor. A survivor who was willing to tell his story. Watching an 80-year-old man who was separated from his mother and father at age eleven, shipped through 4 different countries to arrive in the U.S. where no one wanted him...it's painful with my 14-year-old son next to me. I can't imagine him facing what this man had to endure to survive. With a steady, clear voice that belied his small stature we were given a factual account of his experience. He only faltered twice, each time as he recalled his parents.

At the end he took questions and began talking about how he was able to move past his experience and become a very successful lawyer with a large, loving family. He talked of compartmentalizing his experience. He feels that this is why he has been more successful at moving past his experience than his older brother. Yes it happened to him. Yes it was horrible. But that part of his life is over. He chooses to move forward and focus on what he was able to accomplish and the reality of his life now instead of the horrors of the past. As my husband pointed out on the way home, it is obviously his coping mechanism. And perhaps also mine. For a man who attributes his success to his ability to move the past to a compartment outside of his current reality to then open that compartment and make himself vulnerable by sharing the experience with a group of strangers is humbling. I am grateful and overwhelmed. And I will take that example and draw strength and courage from him when it is time for me to do the same. I guess that I have begun excavating! What are you digging up?

Grateful today for:
1. Survivors (of many kinds) who exhibit resilience and the strength of the human spirit
2. the return of winter (without a snow day!)
3. technology that allows me to safari and share and so many things that wouldn't be possible in a different format

At the End of Our Exploring

Catching up! Valentine's was spent with the guys I love instead of blogging and yesterday was spent evaluating presentations. I still read the journal each morning so I can consider the meaning as I go through my day. I didn't have a lot to say about either, so it's just as well.

But today is about slaying dragons. As a librarian and avid reader I can think of many dragon stories, but I wasn't a real fan of fantasy until the Harry Potter series (no comments from my friends about the cheesy novel fantasies often found in my proximity!). Even the Hobbit did not entice me the way the Lord of the Rings series did. (I recall forcing myself to put the book down at 2:30 a.m. while I was student teaching). But I understand the symbology not only in literature but in Asian mythology and New Year's celebrations. What do we fear? Our fears seem to breathe fire; fear can hide a horde treasure of both the literal and figurative kind; and fear can either by hiding in a dark cave or coming swooping in from above without warning.

The point that resonated with me was "the real fear, the one that sends shivers up our spines; the fear of succeeding, of becoming our authentic selves and facing the changes that will inevitably bring". Yikes! As indicated, sometimes it's easier to stick with the familiar than to move forward. I have found that relationships that I once could not have fathomed not having are a distanct memory. And this awareness makes the trip scary. There will be loss. It doesn't matter that what is to be gained is worth the trip, the thought of loss now can be a hindrance. The trick is to honor what once was, to delight in the part it played in our journey without mourning the loss of what had to be. As personal authenticity becomes a reality, others may either  find a path more distant than ours or not have the desire, or courage, to join the journey. Sometimes friendships are for a season. And that season can be fondly remembered. Which makes those relationships that remain steady through the journey all the more precious. I"m learning not to judge, either the people or the relationships, but look for what I was to have learned, why my path meandered that way. And send both parties on their way with blessings. The experiences will make the story worth telling.

Grateful today for:
1. a weekend of possibilities
2. my comfortable office chair (Christmas gift from Bennett that I sit in way more than I would like!)
3. Kids that get excited about nature (your kids are awesome Steph!)

My Ten year-old self and Loving My Authenticity

Reflecting upon my ten-year-old self yesterday was a challenge. I tend to ignore anything that happened before the age of about 15 1/2. It's like I have a second life. I don't enjoy traveling back to my childhood, but that girl does need love. At ten I was still straddling between two realities, trying to figure out how to maneuver them both. It's a survival mechanism for people in abusive situations. I do remember clearly thinking one night "this can't be real". What was real to me was school. I excelled, I was well-liked...I was normal. I never had to worry about tempers flaring and felt a sense of peace and belonging like nowhere else. It doesn't take a lot of psychoanalysis to figure out that this explains my path to education, in spite of being a determined science student! How else do you go from planning to be the athletic trainer for the Detroit Pistons to being a school librarian? It also explains why I set the bar high for my students. I empathize with their home realities, but I also know that their only chance for a different life, like me, will come through education. Education that leads to opportunities and choice and independence. While I originally thought that my ten-year-old self didn't trust her instincts, I realize that this isn't true. She didn't know how to express her confidence in those instincts yet, but they were the foundation for purposefully following a life path that would be removed from her current reality. And without her I would not be who I am today. Nor would I have the confidence to move forward into what I have yet to become. I like myself at ten, I just didn't like my circumstance. As I am forced to reflect upon that time, it is beginning to be a tolerable exercise instead of a reminder times best forgotten. There is much still to learn, but this part of the journey will be less-visited path. At least for now. What was your ten-year-old self so confident about?

Which made me ready for reflecting on the reality of not completely living up to my potential. That's why I'm still making my way down this path, blogging my way to better understanding. I don't know that I believe that we are ever living to our full potential. For as potential in one area is realized it opens the possibility for more. I don't see this as a negative. Anything that stops growing begins to die. As long as I'm here I'd like to keep moving forward. As a side note, I'm still confused with the mixed messages of not buying and then buying in the journal. Today we're supposed to treat ourselves more generously. Three days ago we were told to stop shopping for those things that weren't needs. I'm going to go with the thought that as we progress more purposefully down the simple abundance path we will find that balance between the desire and attainment of things just to have them and treating ourselves to special items that authentically reflect love and appreciation and bring us joy. Today I'm going to look for a new candle.

Gratitude expressed for:

1. Family breakfast
2. Thoughtful friends (you outdid yourself Renee!)
3. Time managed well

Divine Discontent

I skipped Feb 9th and 10th because, honestly, I have difficulty relating to the concept of forcing myself not to shop. Ask my sister. I don't buy the things I need more often than not. I actually have the opposite problem (see New year's goal to not reuse tea bags!). Too many years of living frugally have reversed my psyche. I've learned there are few THINGS that I need. The lesson, for the time being is learned.

Ahh, but Divine Discontent. There is something to think about. Previous journal entries discussed the concept of having to turn on the spiritual switch. Most of the entry discusses how this disconnect is an impetus to the process of change. I almost feel as though this is how I began this journey. I truly feel like I had begun the Simple Abundance path, slowly, several years ago. Continuing the path with purpose and a plan has definitely brought to light the connection between areas of discontent and the times, places, areas that I have become out of touch. This applies to so many things. Many of the examples used are a sign. The clothes don't fit when you stopped being active or overeating. Stuff falls on your head when you open the closet door when you don't deal with things as they happen or need to be dealt with. Meals become boring when the effort put into them becomes routine. It is a sign that we are not present in the life that we live. For me, prayer may be the a tool to turning on the spiritual power, but being fully present reminds you that you need to pray.

Being fully present is something that I'm working on. There are many areas where I feel I've accomplished, but not necessarily as a matter of course. Those who know have witnessed my multi-tasking abilities. While this is helpful in my professional day, it has distracted me in my personal life. I am always reading a book, or on the computer, or doing several things at once. It is difficult (ok, it's probably impossible) to be fully present in more than one thing at a time. It reminds me of studying ADHD and especially the misconceptions. We all are distracted, even those of us who pride ourselves in being multi-taskers. The difference is that non ADHD people have the ability to shift away from the distraction in way that seems like we weren't distracted in the first place. So, we just don't get caught! In an effort to be more fully present I went to watch the Superbowl at friends with NO book and NO schoolwork. Honestly can't remember the last time that happened. The experience did not seem that different to me (I really am pretty good at this multi-tasking thing), but I'm certain it conveyed a different message to the people I was with. They are important enough to have my full attention. How are you going to access your own light today?

Today I am grateful for:
1. The promise of freedom, peacefully gained, for the people of Egypt (how will this change our world
2. A full week of school (we have a lot to accomplish in a short time!)
3. Time with my sister :)

An Artist Is......You are an Artist

Excuse my lack of post Monday, I had to put myself in time out! Won't be discussing THAT today.

Take a risk day. I'm a rule follower. By that very trait I eliminate most risk. When was the last time that I did something risky? Can't remember. Maybe my marriage, but that's been too long to be consider a risk any longer. I think I can safely assume that risk paid off :) So I'm looking for my "stroke" and assuming it will not be a bold one, but just a start. Maybe this blog was my biggest risk. One friend, after reading the first post, told me I was brave. I guess when I think about all the things I censor what remains to be posted no longer feels risky. Toward the end of the lesson Sarah discusses that by building an authentic life for myself and those I love is my art. What else have I created? I need to think in terms of contributions instead of things, because I get distacted from my task when I think about making things. (Although, I have made a couple of nice quilts!). I love to create healthy, but good tasting meals for my family. Setting the table with my Christmas dishes and homemade love is my creation of love.

Most of my art is created at work. I become energized with the exchange of ideas and goals. I have a choice right now, as an educational professional;  I can focus on the criticism of the career and worry about the potential changes to my livelihood because of technology and government restructuring. Or, I can be proactive and influence the necessary change. I'm also a parent. I want my son, and everyone else's kid, to have the opportunity to achieve their potential because of an amazing education that they've received. So I work on curriculum, and finding resources, and figuring out how to challenge students while engaging them (and getting them to read at least 25 books a year!). Ahh, now that takes creativity. What do you create?

1. Professional opportunities afforded me by working in a small district.
2. Amazing students who achieve beyond any of our expectations.
3. The opportunity to do a job that I love.

The world: too much with us and remaking our world

The world too much with us at first was very frustrating to me as I had begun my day by visiting a home furnishings store (part of the creative me that I was told to explore!) to then come home and read about the dang.ers of getting and spending. It seems counter-productive. I don't purchase magazines or art supplies or any of the lovely things that were suggested in January because of how I've simplified my life. I don't like clutter, I don't have a lot of storage and I've used technology to balance  these problems. So it was a big deal to me to spend a half hour of my day simply observing, touching, looking at possibilities.  We were asked to purposefully turn away from the world, especially news. So I did, for Saturday. But I enjoyed my hour with Cristiane Amanpour reporting from Egypt. I am an information specialist for goodness sake! But....I do understand that the Deeper Vibration  of the spirit song can only be heard by listening carefully. To do this we must silence the outside world. But this must be balanced with the lesson of being in the world, but not of the world. I believe that this is a personal thing. I can watching the unfolding demand for democracy and Egypt and have the thoughts become a meditation. But if you aren't able to discount and connect with your personal spiritual flow as a result, take a break.

Restoring a sense of rhythm to my life (Feb 6) is something that I have so well in the last 2 years that I think I may need the opposite. We are a family of early risers. Bennett was up working on homework or reading by 6:30 a.m. on Sat and Sun. Obviously I was up to know! Come 9:30 p.m. we're all nodding off. This is a result of our bodies being in rhythm with our early morning commitments for most of the week (car pool leaves @ 5:10 a.m.). What I'm looking for is a weekend night that I stay awake until the crazy hour of 11 and sleep in until 8 a.m.! I need to find my weekend rhythm. Of course, my boys deal with this by taking a nap. Regardless, there will be recognition that all segments of this life are sacred, not only the time that I set aside for purposeful  prayer and meditation. I think that looking at the sacred in every experience will alleviate the guilt that many women feel as we juggle all of the things that demand our time. Can't we make the very things that were considered a hindrance to our path a part and process instead? Feel free to share how that can (does?) look and work.

Expressing gratitude this morning for:
1. An unexpected snow storm (it could have been rain!)
2. Family Game Time
3. The freedom  to read what I choose and express my opinions (It's great to be a woman in the United States!)

The Soul Made Visible

Wow! What chewy material from the beginning today. (Ok, yesterday. I needed to think about this one). My business is not to remake myself, But make the absolute best of what God made". ~Robert Browning. This phrase made the journey seem inevitable, our life purpose instead of a path to find and often struggle to pass. In finding our authentic self it sometimes feels to me that I have had to remake myself. This is obviously not the right approach (although there are several make-over that I'm sure would enjoy getting their hands on my unpolished self ;)).

Just when I start feeling good I encounter prayer. Prayer is a struggle for me. As I have shifted from an evangelical belief system to a more spiritual approach I am left with too many unknowns. I feel uncomfortable approaching prayer the way I have in the past, but I don't feel a connection to a shamanistic spiritual being. So what do I do? Well, mostly I've avoided the process in the last couple of years. My only true connection with prayer was my month with Phoebe (just another way she effected everyone around her in her short time with us). In that time I felt a spirit connection, with her and Spirit, that seemed authentic. But then it became too raw of an experience for me. That is my quest for today. To find my way back to prayer and what that means in practice for me. How do you connect in prayer. Is it a mindfulness? To a spiritual being? Watching Oprah's making of her "Favorite Things" show there was a section about Apple not donating iPads and Oprah struggling because it is truly her favorite thing. In the end, when it came through, she mentioned that as much as it meant for her to have it on her show, it was a thing. And she was not praying for things. Pray for health, safety, loved ones, yes. Things, no. So that's a good start for me.

This morning I'm counting my blessings for:

1. Poetry - what beautiful expression
2. the neighbor who generously plows out our driveway after every snow
3. rabbit tracks in the back yard snow (brown bun's great-great-great-great grandbunnies!)

Discovering Your Authentic Self

The image of my authentic self as positive, upbeat, always smiling, calm and reassuring is who I know myself to be on the inside. I believe that more often than not this is also the way I act, but there are still too many times that my place of existence is not revealing my authentic self. As I reflect on my progress I think about how this has changed how I teach. I've never been a yeller, but I move through situations with a confidence and sense of calm that has students respond in difficult situations. With teens we have to remember that not only are most of them unsure of their authentic selfs, they don't have the confidence to express it if they do. I must remember to apply this to my son. I tend to hold him to a higher standard than the understanding I exhibit for the teens I work with every day! If I still have so much work of my own to do why am I impatient with his learning process?

Being open to change has been the greatest tool in my journey. Life is constantly evolving. In order to be present we must be present in the change. This was difficult for me when I realized that I could no longer be a part of the evangelical church in which I was raised. For me, it did not align with what Marianne Williamson calls "the magnificen possibilities" but instead was the force "that would limit those possibilities". Although the change was the right one for me, I have grown to recognize that that path is not inherently wrong, it just isn't right for me. But now I need to learn to tap into the spiritual energy of the flow of life. When I checked out of one path I withheld myself from reconnecting. So today I will begin birthing the goddess within, being open to the connection that is spiritual although different from what I assumed it would be.

Today I express gratitude for:
1. Juncos at my birdfeeder.
2. The anticipation of an amazing vacation
3. Great chili on snow days

Creative Excursions and Knowing What You Love

And so February begins. January went by fast! Throughout January we were introduced to our authentic self; in February we get to know that self better. As January ended the journal had a list of joyful simplicities for the month. As several were things to do for New Year's Day I think that the monthly list should be at the BEGINNING of the month, not the end. So do something I never recommend while reading, flip to the end! That's right. Be a rebel. For instance, Feb. 2nd isn't just Ground Hog Day, it's also Candlemas. Any good reader of historical romance know that this is an important holiday, often celebrated with a family house party at which to meet an unsuspecting potential mate. To celebrate I'm sitting in my living room blogging only by candlelight, eating old gingerbread and sipping Bengal Spice tea. It's a snow day!

Creative excursions, as suggested in the journal, seem like a lovely idea. I may even be able to find time to do that this weekend. But I'm thinking more about how to develop my creativity. It isn't as if I haven't been creative in my past. When I was a kid I loved to cross-stich and completed a couple of hook rugs, and as I moved into adulthood quilting was something that I learned to love. Not the sewing part necessarily (I still need a lot of help with that!) but the actual hand quilting. I prefer not to dwell on why I no longer quilt, but since that time my creativity has been used in designing lesson plans and instructional delivery of curriculum. My creative juices get flowing, especially as I consider how to use a new technology to meet standards. I think that I do have to begin to do something with my hands, I just haven't settled what it should be. I have a family friend who is a potterer and I have always been intrigued. But I know this is not the right time to begin; that is my future creativity. My sister creates amazing scrapbooks. I know because I am the proud owner of a sister scrapbook that she made for me. While I have successfully completed one page of a scrapbook for Bennett. It's awesome, but too time consuming. I'd rather read. I've tried knitting but I'm a multi-tasker and can't seem to concentrate long enough to count stitches. I may have to think electronically again. If I make a Glogster poster I'll share it!


What I truly love, as far as things, are few and far between. But part of that is because I have concentrated my energy and resources elsewhere. As we begin the next face of maintenance and remodeling I will be looking at colors and textures and all of the options. In my budget! So this weekend I will find a home furnishings store and browse. I will not be intimidated or discouraged at the prices but will appreciate the beauty. Any suggestions of where I could go are welcome!

Expressing gratitude today for:

1. A day home with my boys (I see Ground Hog Day the movie in our future!)
2. Maya Angelou's wisdom (I highly recommend you watch her master class on OWN)
3. the consideration of words