For the past four years, October has taken on a new significance for me as SIDS, pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. Much of my blogging has centered around the grief of losing my niece Phoebe over four years ago, my nephew Ronan three years ago and the experience of the community of shared loss that I now consider family. This weekend, I was able to make the trip to see my niece play in a volleyball tournament. I was so proud of the wonderful young lady she is becoming. She played well, but is not a starter. Tough position for any athlete, but middle school is emotionally tough. Samantha never had a bad attitude. She was attentive and aware on the bench. She cheered her teammates when things were going well and encouraged them during mistakes and challenges. When put in the game, she was prepared and contributed to her team success. Such maturity for a thirteen-year-old. Made me think of how grief and loss informs the development of siblings.
Just a week ago, my mother was able to celebrate, for the first time, the life of my sister that she lost just a few hours after birth. It was a beautiful experience, 48 years in the making. I remember my first year away at college, having been introduced to the concept of birth order, suddenly questioning who I was. Anyone who knows me can attest that I have the personality and drive that is typical of a first-born. And yet, I'm not. The sister that passed shortly after birth is 18 months older than me. I remember feeling guilt. I remember wondering who I would have been, or should have been. It made no sense that after 18 years I would be questioning my role. Yet I did. Who would I be if Dawn had lived. Would she have been like I am? Would I have been more like my sister Kim? I don't have those answers. I only know that the responsibility I felt in a dysfunctional home was very much the result of being "the oldest" and always wanting to protect my brother and sister.
So I watch my special mommies of loss friends and my sister. I see their interactions with their surviving children and rainbow babies. I see their struggles. I watch how they question their parenting. It is a reality that grief and loss inform every aspect of their lives. And yes, this will affect their children. Yes, the surviving children will be different than they would have been if their sibling(s) had not passed. Which is not the same as saying they are not who they are supposed to be. The lessons these children learn living in a house of grief and loss will inform their development. And, I firmly believe, will make them empathetic, connected and present in their daily lives. All in all, things that will change our world for the better.
While we remember the babies that were taken too soon, pause for a moment and remember their siblings. The sweet children profoundly affected who often are not given a voice. Check in once in a while. Let them share their story; talk about the lost sibling; remember with sadness and joy.
Gratitude today:
- That Samantha is part of my life. Best package deal outside of my own step-children that I have received.
- Support for families of loss that wasn't available for my mother. And that the community purposefully reaches out to those who did not have support during the immediate time of loss.
- My mommies of loss, who parent bravely and boldly through fear and grief every day. You are succeeding. Your children are loved. You are amazing.
