What Gratitude is Not

A friend posted a "real" Facebook post last night. The kind that says I am struggling here, but I'm going to count my blessings. I felt my heart flooding with gratitude as I read her words, her strength in reaching out to her community. To "keeping it real". In this time of sheltering and isolation I hear many people thoughtfully considering how they might invest this gift of time. In that post, it felt like asking for permission. Permission to not be doing everything right, to acknowledge the difficulty of the moment. It reminded me of the mantra that is emerging from Glennon Doyle's latest book Untamed: We Can Do Hard Things! Oh yes, we can. But we can't do them by pretending everything, including us, is just fine.

I remember the first time I practiced guided meditation. It was on a besties trip to Colorado to celebrate our year of turning 40 (no need to discuss how long ago it was). We rented a great house and one day had a woman come out to give us massages and lead us in a group meditation. I have difficulty with stillness. Not in an ADHD, knee shaking, toe tapping, kind of way. In a truly relaxing of expectations and the need to be productive way. What she shared has stuck with me as a lesson that reaches further than meditative practice. The idea is not to be free from thoughts. That is not how we are created. Thoughts will come, even in the stillness. Acknowledge the thought, for until we do it is not free to go.

Thoughts will come during this season that are not of gratitude. Well meaning admonishments, memes and social media posts that compare our current privilege (for some) reality of shelter in place to that of Anne Frank's time hidden in an attic, or the loss of a significant rite of passage for our high school seniors to those who didn't finish their senior year in the late 60's because they were sent to Vietnam are abundant. These do not serve as a call to gratitude. I can't say it as well as Brene Brown, so I'm going to send you to her new podcast "Unlocking Us", the FFT episode (I will let you discover what  "FFT" stands for).  We are all experiencing this for the first time. High school seniors need to have their very real loss acknowledged, not compared to past sacrifice. Parents staying at home, working and trying to school their children need acknowledgement of the stress of this new ask, even while yes being grateful that they have a home and food and, you get it. Let's partner with one another in acknowledging the feelings that come from this FFT stress. In doing so, we can find our way back to gratitude.

Today I am grateful for:

• A comfortable home, with a good supply of what is both necessary and luxury at this time.
• While I acknowledge that being sheltered in place alone is, well, lonely.
• Technology that keeps me working and socially connected.
• While frustrated by the continuous stream of negativity.
• My fierce friends, will to be real in this moment.
• While wishing I could see their faces and hug them close.

We Can Do Hard Things. If we just stop pretending things aren't hard. 

Day 3-Remote Working and Social Distancing

In what feels like the precipitating event to a dystopian novel, the COVID-19 virus pandemic is creating a history in the moment reality. With countries under mandatory shelter and seclusion, travel limited, business shifting to work at home or closure, it is a very different world. As an education administrator, we are working to stay connected to our students and provide staff with training and support to continue to engage our students in learning. This shift is like nothing we have experienced before! One suggestion I read, for kids and adults, was to journal this time. This unprecedented, ever shifting, reality is one that is worth documenting.

So day three of remote working. Let's set the scene. First, I get energy from social interaction. I enjoy physical touch and connection. I want to be with those I love, laughing and talking and sharing. My living companion? My sweet dog Noelle (we call her Smooch). She is loving. And cuddly. Let's just say on day three, with rumors that the suggested social distancing are soon to become a more mandated leave your house only for essential services, there is growing concern of the coming days with just the two of us.

On day one of remote work I scheduled myself as if I were going to work. The release from my 50 minute commute meant I was able to begin using a new meditation app, read my four daily readings, get in a circuit workout and still be showered and in front of my computer by 7:30 a.m. I was on a roll! Rolled downhill from that point. I used to think my shift to administration meant a lot of sit time. Nothing compared to coordinating and connecting virtually. I won't bore you with the number of hours. Let's just say lack of commute time was not time harnessed for personal gain!

Day two began with me waking up at 4:30 (that is when the group texts and Snapchats begin), ignoring emails and texts until 5:00, then productively responding for almost an hour. Realizing I was still tired, I rolled over and went back to sleep. Until my son returned my text at 7:15! The late start resulting in no morning workout, recording screencasts for staff in no make up, a hoody and flannel pajama bottoms, and not being in front of my computer until 8:00 a.m. In reality, there was much accomplished in that day, but I was left feeling constantly behind.

Which brings us to day three. Today. I needed to find a more harmonious approach, especially as this quite possibly will extend beyond the two-three weeks originally intended. I gave myself some grace. Slept until 6 a.m. Still had plenty of time to meditate, read, work out and shower. But I allowed myself an 8:00 a.m. at the computer start time instead of 7:30. I also decided that I was not going to spend my semi-quarantine time becoming a sloth. I have enjoyed creating a wardrobe that I love over the past two years. So I chose a comfortable dress, pulled out my flower earrings in celebration of almost spring, put on my pearl necklace and bracelet, and got down to business. It helped. Especially because this was the first day of truly considering what life will be like alone during quarantine. It can be an overwhelming thought. One that I allowed myself to feel, without judgement, before setting my gaze on the spaces of gratitude that will bring my focus back to joy.

What are your fears as we enter this new space? What are you doing to practice grace and to order your day?

Today I am grateful for wonderful friends, who care to connect with me during this time, and the technology that makes it possible.