Waive of Light

On this evening of remembrance of pregnancy and infant loss, I am grateful for the lessons taught to me by my niece Phoebe and nephew Ronan. There short time here with us is not a measure of their influence.

From Phoebe, I am gratefully for my lessons in meditation and presence. She was unstable for most of her short time with us. Sound caused often severe response, resulting in a room that was kept softly lit with little sound or discussion. Meditative communication was my connection as I learned the value of being fully present in the moment. I cherish the time I was given with her.

From Ronan, I am grateful for connections, in all of its forms. Ronan had eyes that saw to your soul, connecting on a spiritual level that defied his age. So expressive. From Ronan, we were introduced to our St. Louis family. While we are united in the grief of shared experience, my life is richer for witnessing how my amazing mommies of loss continue to LIVE, every day.

Keeping it simple

My gratitude today:

1. J.K. Rowling. Single handedly revived YA lit and inspired a generation of readers. We're sitting as a family watching Chamber of Secrets again. Read and watch over and over.

2. Social media connections. Used correctly, we can connect our world in all the best ways.

3. A community who values free spaces and creates parks and trails. Need my regular nature fix!

Don't Forget....

For the past four years, October has taken on a new significance for me as SIDS, pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. Much of my blogging has centered around the grief of losing my niece Phoebe over four years ago, my nephew Ronan three years ago and the experience of the community of shared loss that I now consider family. This weekend, I was able to make the trip to see my niece play in a volleyball tournament. I was so proud of the wonderful young lady she is becoming. She played well, but is not a starter. Tough position for any athlete, but middle school is emotionally tough. Samantha never had a bad attitude. She was attentive and aware on the bench. She cheered her teammates when things were going well and encouraged them during mistakes and challenges. When put in the game, she was prepared and contributed to her team success. Such maturity for a thirteen-year-old. Made me think of how grief and loss informs the development of siblings.

Just a week ago, my mother was able to celebrate, for the first time, the life of my sister that she lost just a few hours after birth. It was a beautiful experience, 48 years in the making. I remember my first year away at college, having been introduced to the concept of birth order, suddenly questioning who I was. Anyone who knows me can attest that I have the personality and drive that is typical of a first-born. And yet, I'm not. The sister that passed shortly after birth is 18 months older than me. I remember feeling guilt. I remember wondering who I would have been, or should have been. It made no sense that after 18 years I would be questioning my role. Yet I did. Who would I be if Dawn had lived. Would she have been like I am? Would I have been more like my sister Kim? I don't have those answers. I only know that the responsibility I felt in a dysfunctional home was very much the result of being "the oldest" and always wanting to protect my brother and sister.

So I watch my special mommies of loss friends and my sister. I see their interactions with their surviving children and rainbow babies. I see their struggles. I watch how they question their parenting. It is a reality that grief and loss inform every aspect of their lives. And yes, this will affect their children. Yes, the surviving children will be different than they would have been if their sibling(s) had not passed. Which is not the same as saying they are not who they are supposed to be. The lessons these children learn living in a house of grief and loss will inform their development. And, I firmly believe, will make them empathetic, connected and present in their daily lives.  All in all, things that will change our world for the better.

While we remember the babies that were taken too soon, pause for a moment and remember their siblings. The sweet children profoundly affected who often are not given a voice. Check in once in a while. Let them share their story; talk about the lost sibling; remember with sadness and joy.

Gratitude today:

1. That Samantha is part of my life. Best package deal outside of my own step-children that I have received.
2. Support for families of loss that wasn't available for my mother. And that the community purposefully reaches out to those who did not have support during the immediate time of loss.
3. My mommies of loss, who parent bravely and boldly through fear and grief every day. You are succeeding. Your children are loved. You are amazing.

Going the Distance

I had intended to be blogging the Oprah 21 Day meditation challenge, but my Melinda meditations continue to be most in my thoughts. So I'm going with my what my lessons are instead of forcing what I thought they should be. This is a quick update to track my progress and encourage people to find a way to creatively connect with our friends and family dealing with grief or illness.

As previously noted, a set a goal for myself to run 5k distance (not in an official race people!) in 36 minutes before the first day of school. Thankfully I'm in Michigan which gives me another 12 days to accomplish what I suspect is going to be difficult to achieve. My approach so far has to just decided a distance that I need to accomplish and after achieving the distance evaluate speed. Last Thursday Melinda had posted that her Friday treatments were moving to early morning in an attempt to recover more quickly for weekend time with her children. Of course, this information also included her progress increasing mileage as she preps for her 60 miles this weekend! Once again motivated to support Melinda (actually, it feels more like shame. Seriously, I can't even find excuses when I read Melinda's posts.

Friday morning both my boys headed out early, leaving me to tackle my run the paved bike path instead of the trail I prefer. Wearing my Mighty Oakes shirt and my bird socks for additional inspiration, I set my edomondo app, tyed up my shoes and headed out.

My mantras for the run were Strength, Health and Peace. The mediations were:

Strength: of body for both the coming walk and the challenge of early morning treatments and school schedules.

Health: that Melinda's body is renewed through life choices and not controlled by genetic predisposition.

Peace: that this time will be one that allows Melinda and her family to develop a depth to their relationships that would not be possible otherwise and that the joy of special moments will be in her thoughts instead of concerns for that which is not possible for her to do with and for the boys.

As I meditated on these thoughts, it was a also a personal renewal. For those thoughts that I sent to Melinda there were aspects that related to my personal life. Often we can see reflections more clearly than what is in front of us.

Of course, it's not all about sensitive, spiritual interactions. Don't forget the healing power of laughter. Which is why my message for Melinda Friday morning was this cute picture of my bird socks. People actually questioned the fact that I owned bird socks! I'll save the other two pair for a later date.

The result: 5k distance in 38:29. Whew! 36 may be attainable. The meditations provided focus beyond myself and inspired a sense of gratitude. And, in what I believe is more than coincidence, I completed my run just as Melinda was posted that her treatments was complete. Connection can be such a simple thing!

Still time to sign up for Melinda Meditation runs this weekend. Support Melinda by running or walking Aug 22-24 as she completes the Twin Cities Komen 60 mile with her crew. Fill out the form and I will share your commitment with Melinda! Click for form

My First Turkey Trot

I am not a runner. I don't want to be a runner. I know the saying goes "never say never", but honestly I can't imagine a time that I would enjoy running. And yet, I ran 2.5 of my 3.5 miles today before the storm hit. It isn't pretty. And it isn't fun. So why do it do it?

I learned through the grief process shared with the amazing mommies of loss that I love that it can be difficult to find a way to express empathy in times of grief or illness. The painful truth is that there is no one right thing to say (although, there are many WRONG things to say); nothing that will truly make the person feel better or change their circumstances. I have found, and been told, that simply reaching out, making a connection, letting people dealing with difficult circumstances know that you are thinking of them is the one thing that is always the right thing to do.

So....running. My friend Melinda found out late last fall that she had breast cancer. She is healthy, active, a great mom and an inspiration. She also lives almost three hours away. So I can't make her and her family a meal, do laundry, provide rides to treatment. All I have to give is encouragement. And she is a runner. In fact, in the middle of her treatment she will be participating 2014 Twin Cities 3-Day in 11 days. A couple of weeks ago it hit me, following her posts as she continues to walk and occasional run intervals during her treatment; I was sitting in my house reading her posts while she was out struggling to stay active. Now, my friends know I'm an outside gal. I walk fast and often. But I felt like I had to up my game, in a way that felt like I could give something to my friend. So I started meditative runs. You see, if I'm running there is going to be chanting (mumbling, grumbling, swearing; whatever). So I use the time to focus on specific things for Melinda as a mantra. Most often my mantra, like today, is strength and health. Sometimes it feels as if I need to add peace. Other times I have included joy. When I am done I send Melinda a message, letting her know my progress and my meditation for her in the process. I am connecting. I am not making her day any easier. I am not give her boys a mom that is not dealing with treatments that have changed what she is capable of doing in this moment. But I am letting her know that I care, that my focus and energy is committed to this process with her.

The not pretty part. My friend Laura, a marathon runner can attest. She's witness the painful sight as we pass on the trail. I am slow. For the first three weeks I actually ran (I use the term loosely)
S L O W E R than what I walk! I started with 1 mile. I worked up to 2. When I could run a 2 miles in 24 minutes (which is not much quicker than my walking pace) I worked up to 2.5. My goal is to be able to run 3 miles in 36 minutes before the start of the school year. The first time I ran 2 miles in under 24 minutes my husband greeted me at the door. Encouraged my progress and commitment. As I sat on the porch, removing my shoes and grumbling about how I still didn't running, he stopped me cold with a response. "I'm sure Melinda is enjoying her treatment this morning" was his reply. It was the reason I was out at that particular time. Knowing that Melinda was on her way to treatment, for the day, at UofM. What a great reminder~this was not about me!

Source: D. Gordon E. Robertson via Wikimedia Commons, CC-BY-SA 3.0

As for the Turkey Trot, I don't want to mislead my family who probably assumes that I have actually signed up for a 5K at Thanksgiving. Nope. Not going to happen. But, during today's run I did share the trail with a rafter of turkeys that included 3 adults and 10 poults. This trail loving girl is happy to continue the nature version of a Turkey Trot :)

And for my runner/walker/nature loving friends: a challenge. Melinda is completing the 60 miles walk Aug 22-24 in the Twin Cities. It's too far away for us to show up with signs and encouragement or join her on the way. Instead, I would like to propose that we join her on those days, committing to walk or jog whatever distance you can those days. I would love for a group to commit to 20 miles total for each of the days. If you're interested, go to the Melinda Meditations link. We can send "shout outs" to Melinda while she completes her walk!