Six Months

Six months ago, at this moment, I had fallen in love. With a beautiful baby boy named Ronan. My nephew, my sister's "rainbow baby". The embodiment of hope and joy. Six months later, the grief and ache of his loss over 3 months ago feels fresh and deep. And then I remember my sister and brother-in-law, and any sense of peace or release that I may have felt is suddenly gone. What do you do when there is nothing that can be done. While I go through the feelings of loss, anger, grief, exhaustion...each emotion is amplified by the understanding that the depth of my feeling and understanding is nothing compared to the loss felt by Kim and Chris. Every day. I know that I am missing all of the plans I had for spoiling my niece and nephew. Loving them in the way that my sister has loved my son. But I face everyday with my son sleeping in the bedroom next to me. Schedule my day around swim practice and homework check and orthodontist appointments. All of those parenting tasks that seem so overwhelming; that make life busy and unsettled. But I am conscious of the fact that every time I am annoyed there is not a lot my sister wouldn't give to be able to be tending to those mundane, daily parenting tasks.

As I journey through this path of simple abundance, I can find joy in the realization that I have learned to appreciate what is worthy of my energy. I am blessed that my sister would allow me to share her precious short time with Ronan. I am thankful for every story read, every time I held his hand or pacifier. I don't regret one summer day spent in a hospital room instead of "on vacation". Often I feel that the abundance that I have is not simple, but overflowing. The mommyhood of parents who have suffered the loss of their angel babies; who everyday face getting out of bed with grace and strength, who are an example of love and support and all that is good; my life is richer because I know them. From my wonderful friend Pamela, who has held my hand and my heart through the loss of Phoebe and Ronan, even when the experience made her own loss so near and real;  Chrissy who would remember  Kim and I in the hospital room all day long and bring dinner, "coffee" and treats as she split her time between M at home, healthy, and E, Ronan's quadrox buddy at the hosptial; Becky who opened her heart to be with Chrissy and Dave during E's final days, documenting such beautiful, lasting memories for the last time even while hoping for a very different outcome for Oakes. And then there is my sister. I am the "big sister", but have learned so much from Kim. Maybe it is our differences that let us appreciate one another rather than compete. She may want to rage and stay at home and not face the daily petty problems others present. But she does. And so does Pamela. And so does Chrissy. And that is how I know that while I have a long path to take and many lessons to learn, there is faith in knowing that with these amazing women that I call sister and friends there will be a purpose.

Today I am thankful for:
*Amazing women who have shown me what strength of character can do to change the world.(Check out "Caps from Collin" on facebook)
*Perspective (or, the strength to know what is important so you don't freak out in the middle of a meeting)
*The time I was privileged to share with Phoebe, Ronan and Elizabeth. Although too short, every moment is treasured. They are never forgotten.

I shared this quote from the Oct. 18th journal entry "A Lesson from Loss" on my facebook page. "

"If today is so horrendous that the gift doesn't seem worth acknowledging; if you can't find one moment to enjoy, one simple pleasure to savor, one friend to call, one person to love, one thing to share, one smile to offer; if life is so difficult you don't want to bother living it to the fullest, then don't live today for yourself." ~Sarah Ann Breathnach.  Live it for Phoebe, Ronan, Elizabeth, Noah, Jenna....and all of the other angels and their parents who would give almost anything for the gift of a day