Reflecting upon my ten-year-old self yesterday was a challenge. I tend to ignore anything that happened before the age of about 15 1/2. It's like I have a second life. I don't enjoy traveling back to my childhood, but that girl does need love. At ten I was still straddling between two realities, trying to figure out how to maneuver them both. It's a survival mechanism for people in abusive situations. I do remember clearly thinking one night "this can't be real". What was real to me was school. I excelled, I was well-liked...I was normal. I never had to worry about tempers flaring and felt a sense of peace and belonging like nowhere else. It doesn't take a lot of psychoanalysis to figure out that this explains my path to education, in spite of being a determined science student! How else do you go from planning to be the athletic trainer for the Detroit Pistons to being a school librarian? It also explains why I set the bar high for my students. I empathize with their home realities, but I also know that their only chance for a different life, like me, will come through education. Education that leads to opportunities and choice and independence. While I originally thought that my ten-year-old self didn't trust her instincts, I realize that this isn't true. She didn't know how to express her confidence in those instincts yet, but they were the foundation for purposefully following a life path that would be removed from her current reality. And without her I would not be who I am today. Nor would I have the confidence to move forward into what I have yet to become. I like myself at ten, I just didn't like my circumstance. As I am forced to reflect upon that time, it is beginning to be a tolerable exercise instead of a reminder times best forgotten. There is much still to learn, but this part of the journey will be less-visited path. At least for now. What was your ten-year-old self so confident about?
Which made me ready for reflecting on the reality of not completely living up to my potential. That's why I'm still making my way down this path, blogging my way to better understanding. I don't know that I believe that we are ever living to our full potential. For as potential in one area is realized it opens the possibility for more. I don't see this as a negative. Anything that stops growing begins to die. As long as I'm here I'd like to keep moving forward. As a side note, I'm still confused with the mixed messages of not buying and then buying in the journal. Today we're supposed to treat ourselves more generously. Three days ago we were told to stop shopping for those things that weren't needs. I'm going to go with the thought that as we progress more purposefully down the simple abundance path we will find that balance between the desire and attainment of things just to have them and treating ourselves to special items that authentically reflect love and appreciation and bring us joy. Today I'm going to look for a new candle.
Gratitude expressed for:
- Family breakfast
- Thoughtful friends (you outdid yourself Renee!)
- Time managed well
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