All Shall Be Well

As winter break begins I feel as if I finally have time to reflect in a thoughtful way. It`s a tough season. Somehow the "tidings of comfort and joy" have not yet found me. I`m not just bogged down by my own sense of loss, but by those around me. People special to me are dealing with this holiday season as probably the last they will spend with a loved one. My husband lives this reality everyday in his hospice work. I`m not sure how he does it. In an attempt to find the lesson, or good, in these difficult circumstances (it`s what we Pollyanna types do) I thought about what I would do differently if I knew this was my last holiday with a loved one. It isn`t much of a reach, having lived this with Phoebe and Ronan everyday of their short lives except the day of their birth. Every moment was treasured, gathered into my heart, living more fully in the moment than at any other time. How do I take this lesson to the rest of my life. I will admit that it is tempting to just be so appreciative that I am blessed with a wonderful son that I ignore the little things (like grades, and messy rooms and forgotten chores) and focus on the wonder that is this man in the making. My husband is a kind and considerate man. I need to concentrate on the everyday small things that he does for me instead of the add induced forgetfulness or difficulties. I can choose to focus on the good, the small, the victories, the intentions of the heart. Yes, all of these ideas are things that I should do as a reflection of the abundance of good that fills my life. And I do. But for me the danger comes in dwelling on the "what ifs". If I treat those I love as if it is the end of our time together I live in constant fear that it is the end of our time together. Part of the problem with life is that it often gets messy. What will we do with the mess? To me, the hardest part is the guilt from the realization that our lives will go on. It almost seems as if we are caught between the grief of loss and the reality of our life. Sometimes the living feels uncomfortable, almost a "how can we" if our grief is real. So it comes down to choices. I believe that we honor those whom we have lost, or know that we will lose soon, by living. Living more reflectively, with purpose, aware of those simple things that truly are blessings, but still living. Unfortunately for Bennett this means he will still be grounded if he gets bad grades (my version of bad ;) )and yelled at for a messy bedroom. I wish I didn't yell, but the fact is that I do. Maybe I`ve found my New Years Resolution for 2012. It`s about balance. Which seems to be the key to just about any circumstance or situation. In all of the circumstances of loss that surround me this year, I am struck by an amazing realization. Whether the loss of a parent, sweet babies gone to soon, or the anticipated loss of a sister, all of these amazing people are loved, have known love, have been figuratively and literally wrapped in arms of love. This is a simple abundance. For those who have suffered loss and those suffering at the thought of loss. I find comfort in the Harry Potter series for this reason. It all comes down to love. Those who have known it are forever changed and physical death and separation do not sever the ties and bonds of love. The November 26th entry in the Simple Abundance journal has a prayer from a 13th Century mystic, Damme Julian of Norwich, that I find comforting. All shall be well, And all shall be well, And all manner of things shall be well. The reflection is one that I turn to almost every day. "Some mysteries are beyond our comprehension. Some mysteries we will never solve. Never know. ..... Sometimes we can`t make sense of it. Sometimes none of it makes sense. Sometimes it just is. But if we can hold on long enough for this night to give way to another, all shall be we'll, even if it`s different from what we had expected. Even if it`s different from what we had hoped for and believed with all our hearts would happen". There isn`t a false hope that things will be good or ok, that they will be well implies that we will make it. I will meditate daily on hope and peace for my friends and loved ones. Expressing gratitude for: 1. a sister who make the choice every day to continue to live, not just be alive. My life is richer because of her. 2. friends who don`t get upset by broken Christmas ornaments (sorry Lori!) 3. Christmas mugs from which to drink my tea during the holiday season .