To Phoebe - on the 6th anniversary of your birth

I Wish That There Were Cupcakes

On this day which should be filled with joy and celebration.

I Wish That There Was A New Book, 

carefully chosen, inscribed with your name,

to be read together as we snuggle on the couch,
looking at the lake and the birds on the feeder.

I Wish That There Was Joy, 

swelling in my sister's heart

as she watches you, your stubborn spirit a mirror of her own

Instead of the hole that is alternately

Weeping 

and Plugged

with the grief that is known only to a mother who has lost her child.

I Wish That There Were Adventures

on a trail, singing in the car, playing pretend in the most girly of ways.

For you,

you my niece, were to be the daughter of my heart,

the Universe knowing I would be a better mother to a boy,

but that I would make a great aunt ~

our hearts entwined in much the same way as your mother and my son.

I Wish That The Birds That Return in the Spring

meant walks next door, 

to watch the mother phoebe return again 

and build her nest

and raise her young.

You, delighting as she twitters from limb to nest, 

smiling at this bird who shares your name.

I wish that the return of the phoebes every year was not yet another bittersweet sign,

a token of remembrance, 

that simultaneously brings a smile and a tear.

I Wish That There was a Swing

on which I pushed you higher and higher,

instead of a remembrance tree ~

the Mighty Oak standing proud and tall in the middle of the field,

representing the strength of the mighty spirits of the babies that have been lost.

#Jenna

#Phoebe

#Oakes

#Elizabeth

#Noah

#Ronan

Names and stories that have knit together lives and families

with the Heartstrings of shared grief.

I Wish That the Painting Hanging Outside Your Hospital Room

~a back shot of a blonde toddler playing at the beach;

An image I 

ARGUED

and BARGAINED

and RAILED 

at God to be an indication of future experience

An image, posted on 

InstaGram and

Twitter and 

Facebook

tagged #adventureswithPhoebe

instead of one more example of what will never be.

I Wish That Now, When Someone Asks Me to Pray,

that I could do so with a pure heart

that BELEIVED

that HOPED

that experienced answers of the miraculous kind,

instead of Silence, Reality and Loss.

I Wish That There Were Cupcakes

that weren't made of Angel Food Cake.