Embracing the Ebb

The story in Simple Abundance of a melancholy Queen may seem a little disconnected from our realities, but the message is profound in its simplicity. The entry ends with "This, too, shall pass". Both an inspiration and a fear. The focus as we begin November is to prepare for the year's closure. For some this is a melancholy time. Maybe hopes, dreams and aspirations will not only not be realized but forever lost. Maybe goals set at the inspirational beginning of the year were quickly abandoned. But the message here is deeper than the story. Melancholy has set in. Not the can't get off the couch kind. I once had a doctor ask me about being depressed. When I asked her to define it she clarified. Do I spend the day in bed because I can't face the day? Am I unable to keep my commitments for work, family or child schedules. I remember asking if those things were an option! Do people really get to choose those things? How do the bills get paid? The clothes get washed? Maybe if I had known those things were options I would have considered them. She assured me this was just an indication that I wasn't depressed (a symptom of a syndrome that I have). But melancholy, well that's a different beast. To me the difference is that even while I attend to those daily responsibilities I can't shake the feeling of dread, of despair, of hopelessness. I'm just going through the motions. And while there are reasons, it still isn't a pleasant place to be.

Back to the queen. The wise gardener is the only one in the kingdom willing to incur her wrath in an effort to help. He tells her that "Earthly souls ebb and flow in sorrow and joy according to the seasons of emotion, just as the seasons of the natural world move through the cycle of life, death and rebirth". We often forget to look to the natural world, the seasons, for guidance. As we enter this season we must remember that even as "the season of daylight diminishes and the time of darkness increases" "the true Light is never extinguished in the natural world, and it is the same in your soul". We need to remember to "embrace the ebb", and "not fear the darkness". And there is a promise in this. For just as the seasons complete their annual cycle "Light will return and you will know contented hours once again. Of this I am sure". While the season of darkness, of winter, of the stillness that seems as death is upon us, it is from this time of rest that rebirth occurs. The spring is coming. The promise of light and rebirth; of hope. In the meantime, I'll be riding the ebb and flow. Learning from this season with the promise that this, too, shall pass.

Expressing gratitude today for:
1. the comfortable chair I sit on every day at work (a Christmas present from Bennett)
2. the excitement I share with my students as they plan their future (college acceptances are starting to roll in!)
3. a special date day with Bennett last Saturday at his favorite place in the world

Six Months

Six months ago, at this moment, I had fallen in love. With a beautiful baby boy named Ronan. My nephew, my sister's "rainbow baby". The embodiment of hope and joy. Six months later, the grief and ache of his loss over 3 months ago feels fresh and deep. And then I remember my sister and brother-in-law, and any sense of peace or release that I may have felt is suddenly gone. What do you do when there is nothing that can be done. While I go through the feelings of loss, anger, grief, exhaustion...each emotion is amplified by the understanding that the depth of my feeling and understanding is nothing compared to the loss felt by Kim and Chris. Every day. I know that I am missing all of the plans I had for spoiling my niece and nephew. Loving them in the way that my sister has loved my son. But I face everyday with my son sleeping in the bedroom next to me. Schedule my day around swim practice and homework check and orthodontist appointments. All of those parenting tasks that seem so overwhelming; that make life busy and unsettled. But I am conscious of the fact that every time I am annoyed there is not a lot my sister wouldn't give to be able to be tending to those mundane, daily parenting tasks.

As I journey through this path of simple abundance, I can find joy in the realization that I have learned to appreciate what is worthy of my energy. I am blessed that my sister would allow me to share her precious short time with Ronan. I am thankful for every story read, every time I held his hand or pacifier. I don't regret one summer day spent in a hospital room instead of "on vacation". Often I feel that the abundance that I have is not simple, but overflowing. The mommyhood of parents who have suffered the loss of their angel babies; who everyday face getting out of bed with grace and strength, who are an example of love and support and all that is good; my life is richer because I know them. From my wonderful friend Pamela, who has held my hand and my heart through the loss of Phoebe and Ronan, even when the experience made her own loss so near and real;  Chrissy who would remember  Kim and I in the hospital room all day long and bring dinner, "coffee" and treats as she split her time between M at home, healthy, and E, Ronan's quadrox buddy at the hosptial; Becky who opened her heart to be with Chrissy and Dave during E's final days, documenting such beautiful, lasting memories for the last time even while hoping for a very different outcome for Oakes. And then there is my sister. I am the "big sister", but have learned so much from Kim. Maybe it is our differences that let us appreciate one another rather than compete. She may want to rage and stay at home and not face the daily petty problems others present. But she does. And so does Pamela. And so does Chrissy. And that is how I know that while I have a long path to take and many lessons to learn, there is faith in knowing that with these amazing women that I call sister and friends there will be a purpose.

Today I am thankful for:
*Amazing women who have shown me what strength of character can do to change the world.(Check out "Caps from Collin" on facebook)
*Perspective (or, the strength to know what is important so you don't freak out in the middle of a meeting)
*The time I was privileged to share with Phoebe, Ronan and Elizabeth. Although too short, every moment is treasured. They are never forgotten.

I shared this quote from the Oct. 18th journal entry "A Lesson from Loss" on my facebook page. "

"If today is so horrendous that the gift doesn't seem worth acknowledging; if you can't find one moment to enjoy, one simple pleasure to savor, one friend to call, one person to love, one thing to share, one smile to offer; if life is so difficult you don't want to bother living it to the fullest, then don't live today for yourself." ~Sarah Ann Breathnach.  Live it for Phoebe, Ronan, Elizabeth, Noah, Jenna....and all of the other angels and their parents who would give almost anything for the gift of a day

World Food Day

I'm making my blog return to celebrate Blog Action Day. This year the theme is food, as it is also World Food Day. Food is an interesting topic as the lack of it can be deadly but so can too much, or the wrong choices in food. To me it seems that once again the secret is balance. There isn't anything wrong with loving food, providing choices, developing dishes as an art form. But often, at least in America with all its abundance, we forget that food has a job. We disconnect from the idea of nourishment and too often use food as a painkiller. One with unfortunate side effects.

In the nineties my husband and I met a couple from Poland. They were in their early thirties and still adjusting to how different live was in the United States compared to their upbringing in communist Poland. I remember asking them what was the biggest adjustment for them. Without hesitation both of them answered "food". Not different styles or ingredients, but going to a store, sometimes open 24 hours, and looking at aisle after aisle of choices. Always having fresh meat and produce available. Such a simple thing. Food always available. Even with the economic hardships we have faced in the US, we still have stores filled with choices, even as some struggle to figure out how to pay for said food.

I am sure that there will be more thought-provoking conversation from experts who have ideas about how food distribution and world crisis can be solved. For me, the importance of food comes from the image I have of the the joy my sister and brother-in-law experienced when they were able to feed their infant son in the CICU. Such a simple thing that most of us take for granted. Feeding your infant. Many parents around the world, whether from lack of resources or illness, are helpless to provide the basic life requirement of nourishing their child. For this, and many other reasons, I am learning to count my blessings daily. Signing off to make my family apple pie oatmeal for breakfast! Happy blogging.

Priorities

For those who have been following my blog, you will have noticed the lack of posts recently. My nephew, Ronan Christopher Bush, was born on April 27th. Just the week before, on April 21st, was the 1st year anniversary of the passing of my niece, Phoebe Johanna Bush. It has been a difficult time as Ronan developed symptoms one day after his birth that could mean he also has alveolar capillary dysplasia. There is no cure. At this time he is on the lung transplant list at St. Louis Children's Hospital. We're working on establishing a blog to keep everyone update on Ronan's journey to the moon. Thanks for your patience. Life has a way of truly making us appreciate the simple abundance path.

Finally getting it!

I was dutifully attending to the journal the last couple of days (like taking your vitamins because it's good for you, not because you enjoy it), considering the issue of color. I actually went shopping and put this to use. Yes, I bought clothes! I have a very patient teenage son who spent more of an afternoon than he wanted holding clothes and shuffling through stores. I did get him a dog, so he was very forgiving ;) Let's be clear, I still went the TJ Maxx route. Not a "maxinista" yet, but do have some classic with a twist choices that will serve me well for the rest of the school year. Color is also rolling through my mind as Bob puts the final mud coat on the new drywall in the dining room.  I've complained that it wasn't ready for me to paint at the end of break, but I still don't know what color I'm going to use. Guess I should think about that (and all the hard work Bob has put into the project) before I say anything else.
And then yesterday appears, blindsiding me a bit. Affordable luxury. Doesn't seem like it should hit with a reality that has had me thinking for over 24 hours before blogging. Defining overtly the Simple Abundance path as a balance between being frugal and spending what we can't afford. "A daily meditation on the true comfort and joy of moderation, as well as gentle instruction on how to become open to receiving the goodness of Real Life". Had to read that last bit again. "how to become open to receiving the goodness of Real Life". I have not been open. Somewhere along the way I closed myself off to receiving. I love to give. Receiving is harder. It implies that I'm not able to do everything on my own. Could be those control issues that I deal with. That I thought I had made real progress toward balancing. But maybe I am and that's why I now have to continue to move forward in balance. As I was chewing on THAT, I reached the next paragraph, discussing how the Universe isn't stingy people are. Automatically I reject that because I KNOW that I'm not stingy. Yeah! And then I keep reading. About how people aren't stingy with friends, family, those in need. But stingy in how we treat ourselves. Ouch. Got me again.

This lesson is going to be ongoing for "Simple Abundance is about finally learning how to release feelings of poverty and lack and replace them with feelings of prosperity and affluence". Even when I actually lived in poverty as a teenager I don't remember feeling disconnected from the feeling of worthiness. Not sure where "I'm not worth it" has come from, but it definitely needs to go. Am making progress as I bought myself an extra shirt today! That means mix and match and choices. In fact, as we went to leave the outlet I was going to return it. I don't really "need" an extra shirt. Thankfully my husband recognizes my issues and talked me into keeping it. At least for now. I can always return it later if it doesn't work. A partner that "gets" us is also a special gift from the Universe. Today I declare myself open to receiving all the abundance that the Universe is ready to bestow. And understand that this means looking at each day as having the possibility for being a special occasion if I learn to "receive with grace and a grateful heart".

Expressing gratitude today for:
1. An in tune partner--clueing in the to the little things when I least expect it
2. The smile on my son's face every time he looks at his new dog
3. Time with my sister-gratitude and blessing her way

Whom Do You Admire?

I'm told (by the journal!) that if I tell whom I admire you could probably tell a great deal about my hopes, dreams, and personal style. So let's try it! The theory, according to Claude M. Bristol is that "we become what we envisage". Not surprisingly the people whom I admire do not reflect my outer style but represent things that I strive for as a reflection of who I am.

1. Nelson Mandela. We all have choices in our lives. Turn the other cheek kind of moments. As a child of an abusive home I tend to get my feathers up and see backing down as a sign of weakness. Oh, but Nelson Mandela. There is a man. Not a perfect man (as his family relationships attest), but who is? I read his autobiography The Long Walk to Freedom last summer and was so inspired. For the short cut version, you can rent the movie Invictus (which does have the added bonus of Matt Damon!).

2. Maya Angelou. Many similarities to Nelson Mandela in that her life was not lived down a perfect path. There are many, especially in conservative circles, that would question her morals and faith. But she is real. To think that we almost lost this voice through her personal tragedy. What amazing wisdom the world would have missed. I have grown much over the last couple of years by embracing your philosophy of "when you know better, you do better". So much easier to forgive past wrongs and hurt when you can contemplate that thought. And, how cool do you have to be to be Oprah's mentor! Oprah would also be on my list, but I'm branching out. I'm sure Oprah will be discussed plenty throughout the course of my blogging experience!

3. Benazir Bhutto. Her book Islam, Democracy and the West could be a primer for many current crisis in the Islamic world. Yes, Islam and democracy can co-exist. But the west (especially the UK and the US!) are going to have to be comfortable with THEIR version of democracy. It always amazes me that as a young country we have made so many of these same mistakes, and would never dream of thinking it was ok for another country to "help" us get it right. Besides, I love the look on my teenagers face when I book talk this book. Short version: (hold up the book cover) Who can tell me about Benazir Bhutto?  (silence) Ok, I'll give you some hints. Let's start with the title. What do you assume about her? (She knows something about Islam.....). What if I told you that she was a Muslim woman from Pakistan? What would you think the book is about? (LOTS of comments on how she can't be educated, can't leave her house, home come her face isn't covered....) What if I told you she served as Prime Minister of Pakistan more than once? (disbelief, she's a woman. how could that possibly be true?) Yes, the democratic leader of the world (U.S.) has yet to elect a female President, yet Bhutto served twice in Pakistan.  A true leader, bridge builder, intelligent, compassionate woman. I believe the current Afghan/Pakistani situation would be very different if she hadn't been assassinated. Yet she was willing to serve the cause knowing full well it would probably mean her life.

4. My Husband. Yeah, I complain about him more than I should. Men and women are different! Can lead to interesting frustrations in day to day living. But by any account my husband should have given up in childhood. The things the man has experienced, endured and come through are remarkable. I know that my son is the amazing young man he is because of his example. I start everyday with a warm car and fresh brewed cup of green tea. Better than flowers any day.

5. My sister. Strong, beautiful, determined. Amazing. Ambitious, caring and kind. How she has lived this past year beyond the grief astounds me. Her willingness to continue to invest her love and energy in other people and their needs is humbling. I've learned so much. Much of my grief comes not just from the loss of Phoebe last year, but the loss of the mothering Phoebe had from Kim and Kim for Phoebe. And yet there is hope. A new life about to join us. Anticipation and anxiety are travelling the same path. I look at my son differently every day.

Ok, now it's your turn? Whom do you admire? And what does my list say about me? Time for some chatter people!

Expressing gratitude today for:
1. An inexpensive camera that still allows me to take my silly pics of birds, animals and flowers.
2. The bird sanctuary on a beautiful, spring day.
3. A pair of sandhill cranes that made me miss my husband.

April Showers.....

Ok, I'm not sure that the snow showers are going to encourage those May flowers, but we'll see! Spring break in Northern Michigan is always a gamble. We've been in shorts on the beach and had 2 feet of snow overnight. Good thing I like suprises!

For those of you who are reading the journal, remember to flip to the end of the month to see the list of simple pleasures that you should engage in during the course of the month. Some of them require some planning. For instance, had I read about collecting rainwater to wash your hair I could have put out a bucket last night!

As the readings the first two days STILL focused on clothing, I decided to to try to connect with the love of myself. Looking in the mirror, connecting with my inner goddess (inspired by my current reading of The Dance of the Dissident Daughter) I finally realized that I do have the body of a goddess. Unfortunately, it's a fertility goddess. Where did whose lumpy disproportionate hips come from? And THAT renewed my "get off your hiney and get moving" self. As a result, I took an envigorating, brisk morning walk down the two-track country roads. And promptly was reminded why I need to get in touch with my need to buy new things. My shoes gave me blisters. The same shoes that I knew needed to be replaced because they were worn out on the inside heel. I found shoes on our way up north Saturday morning. Good price. Brand that works best for my trail walking. Himmed and hawed. Talked myself out of them (this is a typical shopping experience for me). So, as much as I've dismissed the clothing and shopping entries, it's apparent that I haven't learned the lessons. Anybody know where to find Saucony's in Wellston? No? Well, I'll have to suffer until the big trip to TC on Thursday!

Yesterday we were to contemplate what we were going to be when we grew up? It's interesting to me because I still think about this! Education is being set up to not encourage longevity of service. But I can't let go yet. I have inspired ideas about how to implement the kind of reform being tossed around by politicians and business people who would not last an entire day in high school. I do a lot of thinking on my walks and yesterday was no exception. I have one sticking point in my plan, perhaps today's walk will work that out! The journal talks about being inspired by red cowboy boots. I have to say I'm not a cowboy boot kind of gal. But new red Tom's shoes? That could be part of an inspired spring!

Learning that less is more is not a difficult concept for me. I just need to learn to accept that it's ok to invest in myself. Not sure when this change happened. I was a fairly stylish young adult. But as priorities and responsibilities shifted, and it was necessary to become more frugal, I shifted my thinking accordingly. Now, I need to shift back my thinking to a more realistic view of my current circumstances instead of living in the financial fears of the past. Wish me luck!

Expressing gratitude today for:

1. Time with my sister.
2. Beginning each day of my break with a beautiful view of the lake and birds.
3. Inspiring memories through scrapbooking.