To Phoebe - on the 6th anniversary of your birth

I Wish That There Were Cupcakes

On this day which should be filled with joy and celebration.

I Wish That There Was A New Book, 

carefully chosen, inscribed with your name,

to be read together as we snuggle on the couch,
looking at the lake and the birds on the feeder.

I Wish That There Was Joy, 

swelling in my sister's heart

as she watches you, your stubborn spirit a mirror of her own

Instead of the hole that is alternately

Weeping 

and Plugged

with the grief that is known only to a mother who has lost her child.

I Wish That There Were Adventures

on a trail, singing in the car, playing pretend in the most girly of ways.

For you,

you my niece, were to be the daughter of my heart,

the Universe knowing I would be a better mother to a boy,

but that I would make a great aunt ~

our hearts entwined in much the same way as your mother and my son.

I Wish That The Birds That Return in the Spring

meant walks next door, 

to watch the mother phoebe return again 

and build her nest

and raise her young.

You, delighting as she twitters from limb to nest, 

smiling at this bird who shares your name.

I wish that the return of the phoebes every year was not yet another bittersweet sign,

a token of remembrance, 

that simultaneously brings a smile and a tear.

I Wish That There was a Swing

on which I pushed you higher and higher,

instead of a remembrance tree ~

the Mighty Oak standing proud and tall in the middle of the field,

representing the strength of the mighty spirits of the babies that have been lost.

#Jenna

#Phoebe

#Oakes

#Elizabeth

#Noah

#Ronan

Names and stories that have knit together lives and families

with the Heartstrings of shared grief.

I Wish That the Painting Hanging Outside Your Hospital Room

~a back shot of a blonde toddler playing at the beach;

An image I 

ARGUED

and BARGAINED

and RAILED 

at God to be an indication of future experience

An image, posted on 

InstaGram and

Twitter and 

Facebook

tagged #adventureswithPhoebe

instead of one more example of what will never be.

I Wish That Now, When Someone Asks Me to Pray,

that I could do so with a pure heart

that BELEIVED

that HOPED

that experienced answers of the miraculous kind,

instead of Silence, Reality and Loss.

I Wish That There Were Cupcakes

that weren't made of Angel Food Cake.

What Do You Notice?

I struggle between being grateful that I have a nice little wooded trail close to my home and lamenting the fact that it is the only one. And it's short. With very few hills or significant inclines. So my gratitude is often broken by the desire to have access to the hills of Northern Lower Michigan, walking the North Country Trail along rivers and up and down hills, using switchbacks, traversing ravines, often being far enough from main traffic sources that I can experience the quiet, solitude and serenity of nature.

In my ongoing attempt to be grateful for where I am, in the moment, I have made a conscious effort to notice my everyday trail as the seasons change. The picky, weedy shrubs of summer are transformed to shades of raspberry during the dead of winter.

Isn't it beautiful how nature reveals her colors throughout the seasons #naturetherapy #puremichigan #miched

A photo posted by Rachelle Wynkoop (@rachellewynkoop) on Dec 12, 2015 at 11:15am PST

This time of dormancy, often seen as cold and lifeless, reveals the beauty hidden in the lush greenness of late spring and summer, or the colorful expression of fall.


As I discover little things on a path that I have traversed for years but never noticed, like this heart stump and heart on a tree, it makes me wonder if I am also missing those subtle details in those I love.

#Imperfectheartsareperfect #remembrance ##always

A photo posted by Rachelle Wynkoop (@rachellewynkoop) on Mar 19, 2016 at 9:22am PDT

Am I noticing the details that could change my practice at work? How I spend my time? Am I choosing to focus on what I may have missed instead of lamenting that this life is too routine? My prayer tonight is that like the discoveries on the trail, I keep my eyes and heart open to noticing the subtle expressions that make the people I encounter routinely unique.