Defining Gratitude

Almost a month into the new year, I'm finally feeling at peace with the direction I want to take with the blog. So here it goes! Working through the Simple Abundance journal last year forced me to work through specific ways to stretch and grow. This year, I feel the need to to see where this will take me. The most significant lesson to me was the need to live my life in the spirit of gratitude. Maybe this resonated because it was often the hardest lesson. Yes, even harder than being forced to shop for clothes or spend money on things for myself! With the loss of my sweet nephew Ronan, so quickly after the loss of my niece Phoebe, left me too often wanting to raise my voice to the Universe at the unfairness of it all. And sometimes I did. But.....gratitude does not imply that nothing is wrong. That we have no reason to be angry or frightened. Gratitude, to me, really became the life line of hope. If I could find nothing to be grateful for, I could not be used to complete the tasks or fulfill the purpose for which I was born. Gratitude does not take away the pain, the sorrow, the loss, the disappointment. It allows me to survive those things, to ride the wave and to truly process the effect.

I am different today. And it is a good different. I try to laugh more and judge less. I'm focusing on what has been accomplished in my house instead of how long it is taking to get it done. I marvel at my son's accomplishments instead of focusing on the times he has stumble or fallen short of my expectations. And in all of these things I often fall short. Feel free to remind me when I do! So my questions for today is: How do you define gratitude? That's what I'm reflecting upon today-creating a working definition of gratitude. Hoping your definition can inspire mine. Please share.

Gifts of the Magi

As my spiritual belief system has shifted I have grappled with what this now means as I observe holidays with my family. Having always related to the symbolic meeting more than literal interpretation I find that this is usually easier than I had thought it would be as I can strongly connect to the symbolism. In my family, we always approached Santa as a symbol of the season. He never visited our house, although Bennett understood that this was a fun thing that other families did. I have reflected on how the season is celebrated for several reasons this year; losses; the "santa truth" revealed to a niece; and finally, so many people in need that almost any version of Christmas gifting seems inappropriate. But it was a special friend, honoring the fear in her daughter, that made me truly think about how the season should be celebrated. What a wise woman to know if a toddler is uncomfortable sitting on the lap of a man you honor that sense of self. So this blog is dedicated to Becky.. One of those mommies that humbles me daily on her Mighty journey. I have never approached blogging the journal in this fashion before, but I`m going to include almost the entire entry and let the journal speak for itself. "....real role of gifts in the Christmas story. Those gifts were wrapped in miracles...the first gift was of Sirit; unconditional Love. The next gift came from a Jewish teenager, Mary. Her Christmas present was selflessness, the complete surrender of ego and will needed to bring heaven down to earth. The gifts of her fiancé, Joseph, were trust and faith. He trusted that Mary wasn`t pregnant with another man`s child; he believed thtat there really was a Divine Plan to get them through this mess. The Child brought forgiveness. Wholeness. Second changes. The angel`s gifts were tidings of comfort, joy and peace, the reassurance that there was nothing to fear, so rejoice. The shepherd boy`s gift was generosity: his favorite lamb for the baby`s birthday present. The innkeeper`s wife`s gifts were compassion and charity: a warm, dry safe place for the homeless family to stay, her best coverlet to wrap the new mother and little one, a meal for Joseph, the donkey`s fresh hay." Three kings travelled to seek a Prince and found him in a cow stall instead of a palace. "they unwrapped gold, frankincense and myrrh, but their Real gifts were wonder, acceptance and courage....yes, Christmas is all about gifts. nothing but gifts. But such gifts! Gifts tied with heartstrings. Gifts that surprise and delight. Gifts that transform the mundane into the miraculouos. Gifts that nurture the souls of both the giver anad the given. Perfect gifts. Authentic gifts. The gifts of the Spirit....the gifts of the Maji. Unconditional Love. Selflessness. Trust. Faith. Forgiveness. Wholeness. Second Chances. Comfort. Joy. Peace. Reassurance. Rejoicing. Generosity. compassion. Charity. Wonder. Acceptance. Courage. To give such gifts. To truly open our hearts to receive such gifts gratefully. Christmas just won`t be Christmas without any presents." Grateful for: 1. Unexpected family visits. 2. Sunshine instead of gloomy skies today. 3. Children who love books as gifts.

All Shall Be Well

As winter break begins I feel as if I finally have time to reflect in a thoughtful way. It`s a tough season. Somehow the "tidings of comfort and joy" have not yet found me. I`m not just bogged down by my own sense of loss, but by those around me. People special to me are dealing with this holiday season as probably the last they will spend with a loved one. My husband lives this reality everyday in his hospice work. I`m not sure how he does it. In an attempt to find the lesson, or good, in these difficult circumstances (it`s what we Pollyanna types do) I thought about what I would do differently if I knew this was my last holiday with a loved one. It isn`t much of a reach, having lived this with Phoebe and Ronan everyday of their short lives except the day of their birth. Every moment was treasured, gathered into my heart, living more fully in the moment than at any other time. How do I take this lesson to the rest of my life. I will admit that it is tempting to just be so appreciative that I am blessed with a wonderful son that I ignore the little things (like grades, and messy rooms and forgotten chores) and focus on the wonder that is this man in the making. My husband is a kind and considerate man. I need to concentrate on the everyday small things that he does for me instead of the add induced forgetfulness or difficulties. I can choose to focus on the good, the small, the victories, the intentions of the heart. Yes, all of these ideas are things that I should do as a reflection of the abundance of good that fills my life. And I do. But for me the danger comes in dwelling on the "what ifs". If I treat those I love as if it is the end of our time together I live in constant fear that it is the end of our time together. Part of the problem with life is that it often gets messy. What will we do with the mess? To me, the hardest part is the guilt from the realization that our lives will go on. It almost seems as if we are caught between the grief of loss and the reality of our life. Sometimes the living feels uncomfortable, almost a "how can we" if our grief is real. So it comes down to choices. I believe that we honor those whom we have lost, or know that we will lose soon, by living. Living more reflectively, with purpose, aware of those simple things that truly are blessings, but still living. Unfortunately for Bennett this means he will still be grounded if he gets bad grades (my version of bad ;) )and yelled at for a messy bedroom. I wish I didn't yell, but the fact is that I do. Maybe I`ve found my New Years Resolution for 2012. It`s about balance. Which seems to be the key to just about any circumstance or situation. In all of the circumstances of loss that surround me this year, I am struck by an amazing realization. Whether the loss of a parent, sweet babies gone to soon, or the anticipated loss of a sister, all of these amazing people are loved, have known love, have been figuratively and literally wrapped in arms of love. This is a simple abundance. For those who have suffered loss and those suffering at the thought of loss. I find comfort in the Harry Potter series for this reason. It all comes down to love. Those who have known it are forever changed and physical death and separation do not sever the ties and bonds of love. The November 26th entry in the Simple Abundance journal has a prayer from a 13th Century mystic, Damme Julian of Norwich, that I find comforting. All shall be well, And all shall be well, And all manner of things shall be well. The reflection is one that I turn to almost every day. "Some mysteries are beyond our comprehension. Some mysteries we will never solve. Never know. ..... Sometimes we can`t make sense of it. Sometimes none of it makes sense. Sometimes it just is. But if we can hold on long enough for this night to give way to another, all shall be we'll, even if it`s different from what we had expected. Even if it`s different from what we had hoped for and believed with all our hearts would happen". There isn`t a false hope that things will be good or ok, that they will be well implies that we will make it. I will meditate daily on hope and peace for my friends and loved ones. Expressing gratitude for: 1. a sister who make the choice every day to continue to live, not just be alive. My life is richer because of her. 2. friends who don`t get upset by broken Christmas ornaments (sorry Lori!) 3. Christmas mugs from which to drink my tea during the holiday season .

Embracing the Ebb

The story in Simple Abundance of a melancholy Queen may seem a little disconnected from our realities, but the message is profound in its simplicity. The entry ends with "This, too, shall pass". Both an inspiration and a fear. The focus as we begin November is to prepare for the year's closure. For some this is a melancholy time. Maybe hopes, dreams and aspirations will not only not be realized but forever lost. Maybe goals set at the inspirational beginning of the year were quickly abandoned. But the message here is deeper than the story. Melancholy has set in. Not the can't get off the couch kind. I once had a doctor ask me about being depressed. When I asked her to define it she clarified. Do I spend the day in bed because I can't face the day? Am I unable to keep my commitments for work, family or child schedules. I remember asking if those things were an option! Do people really get to choose those things? How do the bills get paid? The clothes get washed? Maybe if I had known those things were options I would have considered them. She assured me this was just an indication that I wasn't depressed (a symptom of a syndrome that I have). But melancholy, well that's a different beast. To me the difference is that even while I attend to those daily responsibilities I can't shake the feeling of dread, of despair, of hopelessness. I'm just going through the motions. And while there are reasons, it still isn't a pleasant place to be.

Back to the queen. The wise gardener is the only one in the kingdom willing to incur her wrath in an effort to help. He tells her that "Earthly souls ebb and flow in sorrow and joy according to the seasons of emotion, just as the seasons of the natural world move through the cycle of life, death and rebirth". We often forget to look to the natural world, the seasons, for guidance. As we enter this season we must remember that even as "the season of daylight diminishes and the time of darkness increases" "the true Light is never extinguished in the natural world, and it is the same in your soul". We need to remember to "embrace the ebb", and "not fear the darkness". And there is a promise in this. For just as the seasons complete their annual cycle "Light will return and you will know contented hours once again. Of this I am sure". While the season of darkness, of winter, of the stillness that seems as death is upon us, it is from this time of rest that rebirth occurs. The spring is coming. The promise of light and rebirth; of hope. In the meantime, I'll be riding the ebb and flow. Learning from this season with the promise that this, too, shall pass.

Expressing gratitude today for:
1. the comfortable chair I sit on every day at work (a Christmas present from Bennett)
2. the excitement I share with my students as they plan their future (college acceptances are starting to roll in!)
3. a special date day with Bennett last Saturday at his favorite place in the world

Six Months

Six months ago, at this moment, I had fallen in love. With a beautiful baby boy named Ronan. My nephew, my sister's "rainbow baby". The embodiment of hope and joy. Six months later, the grief and ache of his loss over 3 months ago feels fresh and deep. And then I remember my sister and brother-in-law, and any sense of peace or release that I may have felt is suddenly gone. What do you do when there is nothing that can be done. While I go through the feelings of loss, anger, grief, exhaustion...each emotion is amplified by the understanding that the depth of my feeling and understanding is nothing compared to the loss felt by Kim and Chris. Every day. I know that I am missing all of the plans I had for spoiling my niece and nephew. Loving them in the way that my sister has loved my son. But I face everyday with my son sleeping in the bedroom next to me. Schedule my day around swim practice and homework check and orthodontist appointments. All of those parenting tasks that seem so overwhelming; that make life busy and unsettled. But I am conscious of the fact that every time I am annoyed there is not a lot my sister wouldn't give to be able to be tending to those mundane, daily parenting tasks.

As I journey through this path of simple abundance, I can find joy in the realization that I have learned to appreciate what is worthy of my energy. I am blessed that my sister would allow me to share her precious short time with Ronan. I am thankful for every story read, every time I held his hand or pacifier. I don't regret one summer day spent in a hospital room instead of "on vacation". Often I feel that the abundance that I have is not simple, but overflowing. The mommyhood of parents who have suffered the loss of their angel babies; who everyday face getting out of bed with grace and strength, who are an example of love and support and all that is good; my life is richer because I know them. From my wonderful friend Pamela, who has held my hand and my heart through the loss of Phoebe and Ronan, even when the experience made her own loss so near and real;  Chrissy who would remember  Kim and I in the hospital room all day long and bring dinner, "coffee" and treats as she split her time between M at home, healthy, and E, Ronan's quadrox buddy at the hosptial; Becky who opened her heart to be with Chrissy and Dave during E's final days, documenting such beautiful, lasting memories for the last time even while hoping for a very different outcome for Oakes. And then there is my sister. I am the "big sister", but have learned so much from Kim. Maybe it is our differences that let us appreciate one another rather than compete. She may want to rage and stay at home and not face the daily petty problems others present. But she does. And so does Pamela. And so does Chrissy. And that is how I know that while I have a long path to take and many lessons to learn, there is faith in knowing that with these amazing women that I call sister and friends there will be a purpose.

Today I am thankful for:
*Amazing women who have shown me what strength of character can do to change the world.(Check out "Caps from Collin" on facebook)
*Perspective (or, the strength to know what is important so you don't freak out in the middle of a meeting)
*The time I was privileged to share with Phoebe, Ronan and Elizabeth. Although too short, every moment is treasured. They are never forgotten.

I shared this quote from the Oct. 18th journal entry "A Lesson from Loss" on my facebook page. "

"If today is so horrendous that the gift doesn't seem worth acknowledging; if you can't find one moment to enjoy, one simple pleasure to savor, one friend to call, one person to love, one thing to share, one smile to offer; if life is so difficult you don't want to bother living it to the fullest, then don't live today for yourself." ~Sarah Ann Breathnach.  Live it for Phoebe, Ronan, Elizabeth, Noah, Jenna....and all of the other angels and their parents who would give almost anything for the gift of a day

World Food Day

I'm making my blog return to celebrate Blog Action Day. This year the theme is food, as it is also World Food Day. Food is an interesting topic as the lack of it can be deadly but so can too much, or the wrong choices in food. To me it seems that once again the secret is balance. There isn't anything wrong with loving food, providing choices, developing dishes as an art form. But often, at least in America with all its abundance, we forget that food has a job. We disconnect from the idea of nourishment and too often use food as a painkiller. One with unfortunate side effects.

In the nineties my husband and I met a couple from Poland. They were in their early thirties and still adjusting to how different live was in the United States compared to their upbringing in communist Poland. I remember asking them what was the biggest adjustment for them. Without hesitation both of them answered "food". Not different styles or ingredients, but going to a store, sometimes open 24 hours, and looking at aisle after aisle of choices. Always having fresh meat and produce available. Such a simple thing. Food always available. Even with the economic hardships we have faced in the US, we still have stores filled with choices, even as some struggle to figure out how to pay for said food.

I am sure that there will be more thought-provoking conversation from experts who have ideas about how food distribution and world crisis can be solved. For me, the importance of food comes from the image I have of the the joy my sister and brother-in-law experienced when they were able to feed their infant son in the CICU. Such a simple thing that most of us take for granted. Feeding your infant. Many parents around the world, whether from lack of resources or illness, are helpless to provide the basic life requirement of nourishing their child. For this, and many other reasons, I am learning to count my blessings daily. Signing off to make my family apple pie oatmeal for breakfast! Happy blogging.

Priorities

For those who have been following my blog, you will have noticed the lack of posts recently. My nephew, Ronan Christopher Bush, was born on April 27th. Just the week before, on April 21st, was the 1st year anniversary of the passing of my niece, Phoebe Johanna Bush. It has been a difficult time as Ronan developed symptoms one day after his birth that could mean he also has alveolar capillary dysplasia. There is no cure. At this time he is on the lung transplant list at St. Louis Children's Hospital. We're working on establishing a blog to keep everyone update on Ronan's journey to the moon. Thanks for your patience. Life has a way of truly making us appreciate the simple abundance path.