You are not your appearance

Reflecting on my outward appearance seems a useful exercise, I"m just not sure I want to spend quite so many days on this topic. Peaking at tomorrow's entry seems to be more of the same. I do think becoming more intimate with my authentic self, and learning to let that authentic self be displayed will result in a change in outward appearance. What I wonder is if the exercises of finding the right clothes and pulling yourself together is part of the process on the path toward realization or if the changes are inspired as the realization occurs. It's the chicken and the egg. I worry more about my friends or acquaintances who can continue to pull together their outward appearance to ignore or hide what is really going on inside. I say follow the adage about the "eyes being the windows to the soul". It's hard to hide or fake that certain spark that comes from authenticity. Body language and the eyes, that's what we need to observe. Although, a sassy outfit bring a sparkle to the eye.

Projecting Your Authentic Self

I unfortunately am not very vague about my personal appearance. I'm sure that I reflect the lack of attention that I pay to my outward appearance. The best I can do is a good haircut and color. That doesn't mean the hair is fixed! I have an amazing hairdresser, but am sometimes ashamed to tell people her name. I don't want them to judge her professional abilities on my example. Since beginning to blog my Simple Abundance journey I have had 5 or 6 inches cut off of my hair and a slightly different style. This change came after more than a year of "so, are we ready for a change? Are we going to lose some of this length?". I took the hint. It needed it. But I never would have done it on my own. My motto is shower and go. It allows me to be at work early, but it probably does send an unfortunately accurate image of the time I put into the package. Does it count that I'm good about touching up my gray roots?

The wardrobe has evolved into a better reflection. I'm a very hard to fit off the rack short, curvy package. There aren't a lot of things that look good. I know what colors I like and wear well but tend to get stuck on a shade or tone and it shows up a lot. This would probably change if I bought a few more clothes. But I must once again express my frustration at the advice  in the journal to gather magazines, spend time looking through and cutting out images, creating possible collages of my style. Mess, mess, lack of time, clutter. Here's what I recommend for the 21st Century. Watch TLC's What Not To Wear. They do a great job of helping women move into their current reality and find the colors and styles that are flattering for their particular body shape. It truly is a reflection of the beauty that is in each woman. Ok, there is a little unflattering look at how horrid the image currently being portrayed; thus the necessity for the intervention. But the focus is on awakening an inner radiance by learning what fits your personality, style and shape. I have to admit to more than one aha moment as I look down and find I am wearing exactly what I SHOULDN"T for my body shape while watching the show. There were several years where the only new things I wore were items that were bought as presents. They were ok, but not right. I still haven't worked myself to the point where I have a coordinated wardrobe, but I am getting better about only buying or keeping what is truly a reflection of me.

One of the most important aspects of the work today was learning how to grow. We do this as women in every aspect of our professional, social and inner selves, but often forget to do the same with out outward appearance. This doesn't mean that we have to look dowdy or no longer wear stylish clothes. But I havet given up the bright red lipstick that was so much a part of my twenties. Tends to emphasize those wrinkles around the mouth in a most unflattering matter!

Expressing gratitude today for:

1. friendly library workers (it's my version of Cheers, "where everybody knows your name")
2. rain instead of ice on the way to work
3. Clairol root touch-up

"Until you make peace with who you are, you'll never be content with what you have". ~Doris Mortman

Awesome! This was an important part of reflecting on the last few days entries. I was able to not be overwhelmed by the suggestions because I know that they do not reflect who I am. Now it's time to dig into how I express myself to the outside world. I know that my passion for education and literacy is evident to anyone who has a long (ok, not even that long) conversation with me. I've never been a fussy girl; my nails are rarely done, my outfits are not accessorized, my make-up is minimal. But usually the appearance is neat, clean and at least matches. I will be working toward creating a wardrobe that is a reflection of who I am instead of what is on sale. Like me, this will be a work in progress. Goal date: start of next school year. I thought about this today while listening to a radio advertisement for no cover Friday nights at a club for, let's say, happening people more my age. I realized that if were asked by friends to go I would have NOTHING to wear. Sad, but true. So is it practical that I dress for my reality,which doesn't include club nights, or do I have that little something in a closet just in case. We shall see. For as Simone de Beauvoir said "One is not born a woman, one becomes one". I'm still working on becoming.

Grateful today for:
1. New technology that revolutionizes our ability to reach students
2. Dinner made for me when I came  home from a late meeting (thanks, babe)
3. written reminders of the sweetness in my boy (thanks Amy)

Catching Up (or, what happens when you leave your book @ work for the weekend)

Having left my book on my desk the end of last week I will do marathon blog to catch up. Doesn't mean I haven't thoughtfully considered the entries!

Personal Sabbath: As I keep the Sabbath the same as Emily Dickinson did (by staying at home) I was interested in this post. Keeping Sabbath is an important tradition. Both spiritually and physically. However, I've actually learned that doing nothing on one day just stresses me out the other six. Pacing and planning keeps me going. But I do set aside block of time to devote to meal that take a longer time to prepare, a longer hike or walk, indulging in a favorite read or political talk shows. Without also doing the laundry or jumping up to accomplish something else. It's part of learning to be in the moment. As good as I think I am at multi-tasking, there is a time for not being divided in focus. I usually reserve this time for when I'm with my family, but am also getting better at setting aside time just for me.

Priming the pump: I don't have a lot of rituals. I think that if I were working at writing creatively I would have a ritual for calming the mind and focusing on the process. Maybe someday that will come. Bob is always telling me I should write, but for now I still need my energy on my lessons with my students. I don't think that will change unless I change careers or when Bennett is off at college. That will be sooner than I want to acknowledge.

Hope chest, toy box and comfort drawer: Ok, I'm going to get a little cranky again. I do NOT have extra drawers or room for boxes. I'm trying to pare down what I have now. There is no storage space in my house. No basement, no garage, precious closet space. Some of the creative and nurturing tasks make me nuts just to consider. It will end up being clutter. So I will endeavor to take on the spirit of the exercise and not accumulate boxes or take up drawer space.

I had no hope chest. Mostly because I wasn't focused on getting married to have set up house. I had always assumed I would be on my own before marriage, so I bought china during college, a nice TV when I was 20, and accumulated some crystal and silver ware besides. They were kept in the back of my closet for when I moved out. The fact that I then got married at 23 and stayed at home until then means it kind of was a hope chest purchase, but the intention was so different. Although I would like a nice cedar chest to store goods. Maybe we just need to change what hope we're storing in the box. The tradition of a hope box makes it feel, to me, like we aren't complete, able to establish a household, until we're married. That's too much pressure; both to find the right someone and to not feel capable of creating a home without the relationship.

The toy box will also not happen. I can't imagine collecting stickers and what nots for a rainy day. I will say that the best part about being a boy mommy, though, is the toys. Legos and cars and balls are so much more fun than dolls and little pieces of plastic parts all over the house. I would rather buy a book or be outside. No one has taken the hints I threw out the last couple of years and bought me snow shoes as a gift, so that is the one "toy" I will probably look for some clearance option and hoist them up on the closet shelve until I pull them out for next year's first big snow. Or Christmas at the Bush's!

Outfitting a Comfort Drawer: This one made me chuckle. First, thinking of where I could possibly find drawer space. Second, that if there were chocolate truffles or after-dinner drinks or any other goodies that they would stay in the drawer and not be gobbled at the first twinge of PMS. As if! If I added scented sachet Bob would say "ewww" every time he walked in to the room. I'm becoming comfortable enough with who I am to know that some of these exercises are just not for me. I appreciate the creative spirit in which they are written, but completing the tasks will take me further away from where I am at this particular part of my journey. For now, the contemplative consideration, and occasional chuckle will suffice.

Would love to know how you prime your creative pump. What would you put in your toy box or comfort drawer, even if you don't make it?

Checking In

After 2 fifteen hour days, I left my book at school! So, no blogging my experience. Will catch up Monday night. In the meantime, I shopped for a candle for my beside meditation area. Didn't actually buy one yet, but I'm getting closer. I've also decided that I need a quilted piece to go over the table. Much more me than lace. We also almost added a dog to our home. It's been 3 1/2 month since we had to put down our 12-year-old rottweiller. Had a home visit for the weekend and the boy was a sweetie. Just a little too protective of his bone. Went to the dog show Saturday and came to the conclusion that rotties really are my favorite, but Bennett is interested in looking into a rescue greyhound. Exciting possibilities all the way around.

Meditation

The mention of meditation used to scare me. I felt inadequate. My grounding in traditional Christianity had me leery of connecting to the practice. At the same time, my disconnect from Christianity had me fearful that the very things left behind would be similar in a meditative practice, especially guided meditation. The first time I began getting comfortable was in my second year of yoga practice. It had begun to be a meditative practice; eyes closed, totaly focused on the connection of my mind and body. My practice developed into more than a class that felt good physically when done to the way I began my day; maybe on the beach while on vacation, or in my bedroom before work. The ability to be at peace, in a stillness of the mind, was something I had never experienced. And then my grandmother passed away. She was the most amazing woman. And I lost that connection. To connect with myself spiritually released too many emotions. At the same time I was dealing with relationship issues, a new job and some serious health issues. I let it go.  My practice is still not what it was after that disconnect 8 years ago. I'm thinking this year is the year.

The reconnection began 2 1/2 years ago during an unforgettable vacation with high school friends in the mountains of Colorado. Early morning hikes, connected group yoga, white water rafting and gem mininig were all wonderful experiences. And then there was the group guided meditation. I brought to it all of my fears and anxieties of the practice in general as well as the disconnect from my spirit. But it was nothing like I expected. It was gentle, and understanding and nurturing and nonjudgemental. The opposite of everything that I had brought. There was a powerful lesson for a beginning meditator that was shared. I, like many people, had assumed that meditation meant the ability to empty the mind and become focused and attuned only to the spirit; maybe even one spiritual word or mantra. The brain doesn't work that way! Instead, we were encouraged to acknowledge the disruptive thoughts so that they can move on. I could hear my internal conversation telling my overactive brain that I did hear what it was saying. That I would not ignore the concern or need, but for now I was going to focus on......whatever I wanted to meditate upon. I don't pretend that I know how to meditate, or guide someone else's practice. In previous reflections I've acknowledge that I feel most meditative in nature. Which brings me to today's quote: "Meditation is simply about being yourself and knowing about who that is. It is about coming to realize that you are on a path whether you like it or not, namely the path that is your life." ~Jon Kabat-Zinn

Like it or not, you are living. Which means you're on a path. Which means your meditating. Now we need to focus on knowing who we are. Doesn't that just bring us full circle to being present fully? And it's even ok that there are some days, when we are present, that we acknowledge it's not where we want to be. I think I may start my meditation with corpse pose in my bed tonight ;)

Expressing my gratitude today for:
1. Inspired teachers (with whom I teach and those who teach my son)
2. New books
3. Enough daylight to fit in walks after school

Sidetracked or Serenity

Ok, I normally am a stickler about reading things IN ORDER, but I think that with the Simple Abundance journal you need to check the end of the month Joyful Simplicities at the beginning of the month. There are great ideas of what to celebrate and I like to plan ahead. Reviewing the Joyful Simplicities for February, I did light candles for Candlemas, read romance (even made Bob an e-card using "How Do I Love Thee") and made cookies. What I didn't do was wear lipstick everyday (funny cuz I used to sport a nice, bright red lip), wear perfume (my mom and sis are allergic so I'm out of the habit), rent Out of Africa, or several other recommendations. I will be creating the sacred space.

So, that last paragraph was an exercise in avoidance. Today's entry was a little to biographical. The scenario presented of a sidetracked woman has actually occurred in my home. More than once! It's hard when you have 6 things that need to be done and time to do 2 to not flit from thing to thing. For those of you who aren't reading the journal, the scenario is a woman brushing her teeth who leaves the bathroom to make the bed while still foaming at the mouth. I actually usually do several things while brushing my teeth (drives Bob nuts!). Sometimes, being more present with those I love means I'm scattered trying to accomplish tasks. But I love the admonishment to STOP associating serenity with things that can't be changed (from the Serenity Prayer) but to restore serenity in our daily lives through consciousness. When will this be accomplished? "When women stop behaving as if they were whirling dervishes". I'm trying to hide from the very real image of myself as that whirling dervish. Exercise helps. Been better at that this month ;)

Expressing gratitude for:
1. The ability to laugh at myself-it's happening more and more often.
2. People who slow down their cars and don't splash you when you're walking
3. My iPod touch. Has changed how I do so much. Can't imagine what my life would be like if I had an iPad!