My Ten year-old self and Loving My Authenticity

Reflecting upon my ten-year-old self yesterday was a challenge. I tend to ignore anything that happened before the age of about 15 1/2. It's like I have a second life. I don't enjoy traveling back to my childhood, but that girl does need love. At ten I was still straddling between two realities, trying to figure out how to maneuver them both. It's a survival mechanism for people in abusive situations. I do remember clearly thinking one night "this can't be real". What was real to me was school. I excelled, I was well-liked...I was normal. I never had to worry about tempers flaring and felt a sense of peace and belonging like nowhere else. It doesn't take a lot of psychoanalysis to figure out that this explains my path to education, in spite of being a determined science student! How else do you go from planning to be the athletic trainer for the Detroit Pistons to being a school librarian? It also explains why I set the bar high for my students. I empathize with their home realities, but I also know that their only chance for a different life, like me, will come through education. Education that leads to opportunities and choice and independence. While I originally thought that my ten-year-old self didn't trust her instincts, I realize that this isn't true. She didn't know how to express her confidence in those instincts yet, but they were the foundation for purposefully following a life path that would be removed from her current reality. And without her I would not be who I am today. Nor would I have the confidence to move forward into what I have yet to become. I like myself at ten, I just didn't like my circumstance. As I am forced to reflect upon that time, it is beginning to be a tolerable exercise instead of a reminder times best forgotten. There is much still to learn, but this part of the journey will be less-visited path. At least for now. What was your ten-year-old self so confident about?

Which made me ready for reflecting on the reality of not completely living up to my potential. That's why I'm still making my way down this path, blogging my way to better understanding. I don't know that I believe that we are ever living to our full potential. For as potential in one area is realized it opens the possibility for more. I don't see this as a negative. Anything that stops growing begins to die. As long as I'm here I'd like to keep moving forward. As a side note, I'm still confused with the mixed messages of not buying and then buying in the journal. Today we're supposed to treat ourselves more generously. Three days ago we were told to stop shopping for those things that weren't needs. I'm going to go with the thought that as we progress more purposefully down the simple abundance path we will find that balance between the desire and attainment of things just to have them and treating ourselves to special items that authentically reflect love and appreciation and bring us joy. Today I'm going to look for a new candle.

Gratitude expressed for:

1. Family breakfast
2. Thoughtful friends (you outdid yourself Renee!)
3. Time managed well

Divine Discontent

I skipped Feb 9th and 10th because, honestly, I have difficulty relating to the concept of forcing myself not to shop. Ask my sister. I don't buy the things I need more often than not. I actually have the opposite problem (see New year's goal to not reuse tea bags!). Too many years of living frugally have reversed my psyche. I've learned there are few THINGS that I need. The lesson, for the time being is learned.

Ahh, but Divine Discontent. There is something to think about. Previous journal entries discussed the concept of having to turn on the spiritual switch. Most of the entry discusses how this disconnect is an impetus to the process of change. I almost feel as though this is how I began this journey. I truly feel like I had begun the Simple Abundance path, slowly, several years ago. Continuing the path with purpose and a plan has definitely brought to light the connection between areas of discontent and the times, places, areas that I have become out of touch. This applies to so many things. Many of the examples used are a sign. The clothes don't fit when you stopped being active or overeating. Stuff falls on your head when you open the closet door when you don't deal with things as they happen or need to be dealt with. Meals become boring when the effort put into them becomes routine. It is a sign that we are not present in the life that we live. For me, prayer may be the a tool to turning on the spiritual power, but being fully present reminds you that you need to pray.

Being fully present is something that I'm working on. There are many areas where I feel I've accomplished, but not necessarily as a matter of course. Those who know have witnessed my multi-tasking abilities. While this is helpful in my professional day, it has distracted me in my personal life. I am always reading a book, or on the computer, or doing several things at once. It is difficult (ok, it's probably impossible) to be fully present in more than one thing at a time. It reminds me of studying ADHD and especially the misconceptions. We all are distracted, even those of us who pride ourselves in being multi-taskers. The difference is that non ADHD people have the ability to shift away from the distraction in way that seems like we weren't distracted in the first place. So, we just don't get caught! In an effort to be more fully present I went to watch the Superbowl at friends with NO book and NO schoolwork. Honestly can't remember the last time that happened. The experience did not seem that different to me (I really am pretty good at this multi-tasking thing), but I'm certain it conveyed a different message to the people I was with. They are important enough to have my full attention. How are you going to access your own light today?

Today I am grateful for:
1. The promise of freedom, peacefully gained, for the people of Egypt (how will this change our world
2. A full week of school (we have a lot to accomplish in a short time!)
3. Time with my sister :)

An Artist Is......You are an Artist

Excuse my lack of post Monday, I had to put myself in time out! Won't be discussing THAT today.

Take a risk day. I'm a rule follower. By that very trait I eliminate most risk. When was the last time that I did something risky? Can't remember. Maybe my marriage, but that's been too long to be consider a risk any longer. I think I can safely assume that risk paid off :) So I'm looking for my "stroke" and assuming it will not be a bold one, but just a start. Maybe this blog was my biggest risk. One friend, after reading the first post, told me I was brave. I guess when I think about all the things I censor what remains to be posted no longer feels risky. Toward the end of the lesson Sarah discusses that by building an authentic life for myself and those I love is my art. What else have I created? I need to think in terms of contributions instead of things, because I get distacted from my task when I think about making things. (Although, I have made a couple of nice quilts!). I love to create healthy, but good tasting meals for my family. Setting the table with my Christmas dishes and homemade love is my creation of love.

Most of my art is created at work. I become energized with the exchange of ideas and goals. I have a choice right now, as an educational professional;  I can focus on the criticism of the career and worry about the potential changes to my livelihood because of technology and government restructuring. Or, I can be proactive and influence the necessary change. I'm also a parent. I want my son, and everyone else's kid, to have the opportunity to achieve their potential because of an amazing education that they've received. So I work on curriculum, and finding resources, and figuring out how to challenge students while engaging them (and getting them to read at least 25 books a year!). Ahh, now that takes creativity. What do you create?

1. Professional opportunities afforded me by working in a small district.
2. Amazing students who achieve beyond any of our expectations.
3. The opportunity to do a job that I love.

The world: too much with us and remaking our world

The world too much with us at first was very frustrating to me as I had begun my day by visiting a home furnishings store (part of the creative me that I was told to explore!) to then come home and read about the dang.ers of getting and spending. It seems counter-productive. I don't purchase magazines or art supplies or any of the lovely things that were suggested in January because of how I've simplified my life. I don't like clutter, I don't have a lot of storage and I've used technology to balance  these problems. So it was a big deal to me to spend a half hour of my day simply observing, touching, looking at possibilities.  We were asked to purposefully turn away from the world, especially news. So I did, for Saturday. But I enjoyed my hour with Cristiane Amanpour reporting from Egypt. I am an information specialist for goodness sake! But....I do understand that the Deeper Vibration  of the spirit song can only be heard by listening carefully. To do this we must silence the outside world. But this must be balanced with the lesson of being in the world, but not of the world. I believe that this is a personal thing. I can watching the unfolding demand for democracy and Egypt and have the thoughts become a meditation. But if you aren't able to discount and connect with your personal spiritual flow as a result, take a break.

Restoring a sense of rhythm to my life (Feb 6) is something that I have so well in the last 2 years that I think I may need the opposite. We are a family of early risers. Bennett was up working on homework or reading by 6:30 a.m. on Sat and Sun. Obviously I was up to know! Come 9:30 p.m. we're all nodding off. This is a result of our bodies being in rhythm with our early morning commitments for most of the week (car pool leaves @ 5:10 a.m.). What I'm looking for is a weekend night that I stay awake until the crazy hour of 11 and sleep in until 8 a.m.! I need to find my weekend rhythm. Of course, my boys deal with this by taking a nap. Regardless, there will be recognition that all segments of this life are sacred, not only the time that I set aside for purposeful  prayer and meditation. I think that looking at the sacred in every experience will alleviate the guilt that many women feel as we juggle all of the things that demand our time. Can't we make the very things that were considered a hindrance to our path a part and process instead? Feel free to share how that can (does?) look and work.

Expressing gratitude this morning for:
1. An unexpected snow storm (it could have been rain!)
2. Family Game Time
3. The freedom  to read what I choose and express my opinions (It's great to be a woman in the United States!)

The Soul Made Visible

Wow! What chewy material from the beginning today. (Ok, yesterday. I needed to think about this one). My business is not to remake myself, But make the absolute best of what God made". ~Robert Browning. This phrase made the journey seem inevitable, our life purpose instead of a path to find and often struggle to pass. In finding our authentic self it sometimes feels to me that I have had to remake myself. This is obviously not the right approach (although there are several make-over that I'm sure would enjoy getting their hands on my unpolished self ;)).

Just when I start feeling good I encounter prayer. Prayer is a struggle for me. As I have shifted from an evangelical belief system to a more spiritual approach I am left with too many unknowns. I feel uncomfortable approaching prayer the way I have in the past, but I don't feel a connection to a shamanistic spiritual being. So what do I do? Well, mostly I've avoided the process in the last couple of years. My only true connection with prayer was my month with Phoebe (just another way she effected everyone around her in her short time with us). In that time I felt a spirit connection, with her and Spirit, that seemed authentic. But then it became too raw of an experience for me. That is my quest for today. To find my way back to prayer and what that means in practice for me. How do you connect in prayer. Is it a mindfulness? To a spiritual being? Watching Oprah's making of her "Favorite Things" show there was a section about Apple not donating iPads and Oprah struggling because it is truly her favorite thing. In the end, when it came through, she mentioned that as much as it meant for her to have it on her show, it was a thing. And she was not praying for things. Pray for health, safety, loved ones, yes. Things, no. So that's a good start for me.

This morning I'm counting my blessings for:

1. Poetry - what beautiful expression
2. the neighbor who generously plows out our driveway after every snow
3. rabbit tracks in the back yard snow (brown bun's great-great-great-great grandbunnies!)

Discovering Your Authentic Self

The image of my authentic self as positive, upbeat, always smiling, calm and reassuring is who I know myself to be on the inside. I believe that more often than not this is also the way I act, but there are still too many times that my place of existence is not revealing my authentic self. As I reflect on my progress I think about how this has changed how I teach. I've never been a yeller, but I move through situations with a confidence and sense of calm that has students respond in difficult situations. With teens we have to remember that not only are most of them unsure of their authentic selfs, they don't have the confidence to express it if they do. I must remember to apply this to my son. I tend to hold him to a higher standard than the understanding I exhibit for the teens I work with every day! If I still have so much work of my own to do why am I impatient with his learning process?

Being open to change has been the greatest tool in my journey. Life is constantly evolving. In order to be present we must be present in the change. This was difficult for me when I realized that I could no longer be a part of the evangelical church in which I was raised. For me, it did not align with what Marianne Williamson calls "the magnificen possibilities" but instead was the force "that would limit those possibilities". Although the change was the right one for me, I have grown to recognize that that path is not inherently wrong, it just isn't right for me. But now I need to learn to tap into the spiritual energy of the flow of life. When I checked out of one path I withheld myself from reconnecting. So today I will begin birthing the goddess within, being open to the connection that is spiritual although different from what I assumed it would be.

Today I express gratitude for:
1. Juncos at my birdfeeder.
2. The anticipation of an amazing vacation
3. Great chili on snow days

Creative Excursions and Knowing What You Love

And so February begins. January went by fast! Throughout January we were introduced to our authentic self; in February we get to know that self better. As January ended the journal had a list of joyful simplicities for the month. As several were things to do for New Year's Day I think that the monthly list should be at the BEGINNING of the month, not the end. So do something I never recommend while reading, flip to the end! That's right. Be a rebel. For instance, Feb. 2nd isn't just Ground Hog Day, it's also Candlemas. Any good reader of historical romance know that this is an important holiday, often celebrated with a family house party at which to meet an unsuspecting potential mate. To celebrate I'm sitting in my living room blogging only by candlelight, eating old gingerbread and sipping Bengal Spice tea. It's a snow day!

Creative excursions, as suggested in the journal, seem like a lovely idea. I may even be able to find time to do that this weekend. But I'm thinking more about how to develop my creativity. It isn't as if I haven't been creative in my past. When I was a kid I loved to cross-stich and completed a couple of hook rugs, and as I moved into adulthood quilting was something that I learned to love. Not the sewing part necessarily (I still need a lot of help with that!) but the actual hand quilting. I prefer not to dwell on why I no longer quilt, but since that time my creativity has been used in designing lesson plans and instructional delivery of curriculum. My creative juices get flowing, especially as I consider how to use a new technology to meet standards. I think that I do have to begin to do something with my hands, I just haven't settled what it should be. I have a family friend who is a potterer and I have always been intrigued. But I know this is not the right time to begin; that is my future creativity. My sister creates amazing scrapbooks. I know because I am the proud owner of a sister scrapbook that she made for me. While I have successfully completed one page of a scrapbook for Bennett. It's awesome, but too time consuming. I'd rather read. I've tried knitting but I'm a multi-tasker and can't seem to concentrate long enough to count stitches. I may have to think electronically again. If I make a Glogster poster I'll share it!


What I truly love, as far as things, are few and far between. But part of that is because I have concentrated my energy and resources elsewhere. As we begin the next face of maintenance and remodeling I will be looking at colors and textures and all of the options. In my budget! So this weekend I will find a home furnishings store and browse. I will not be intimidated or discouraged at the prices but will appreciate the beauty. Any suggestions of where I could go are welcome!

Expressing gratitude today for:

1. A day home with my boys (I see Ground Hog Day the movie in our future!)
2. Maya Angelou's wisdom (I highly recommend you watch her master class on OWN)
3. the consideration of words